Monday, August 12, 2013

Werid Things for Sale on Amazon Part 1

We randomly talk about all kinds of weird stuff that you can buy on amazon.com.  So I am here to share a few of those things with you.  Along with some of their awesome review comments :)  Enjoy.  Feel free to add any suggestions for the next blog. 

The first item I randomly came across this evening was a Yodeling Pickle.  It is advertised as being for the friend who has everything except a yodeling pickle.  

A couple of great reviews I found were as follows:
"My twelve year-old niece asked for the Justin Bieber CD for Christmas, so I bought her this yodeling pickle. Nobody so far can tell the difference." -Sadie

"The yodelling pickle in my house appears to be possessed. Whenever I put it away in the kitchen cupboard it mysteriously appears in the top drawer of my wife's bedside table." -Flam

If you want to purchase the yodeling pickle from Amazon you can go to Yodeling Pickle

Next I came across the bacon adhesive bandages..  Yes they look just like bacon.  But there is a bonus within this product you can also find bandages that look like other awesome things such as Jesus, Pickles, Toast & Underwear to name a few.  This product online sells itself with the selling point of the incredible healing power of meat.  And also you get a free toy inside of the box if the bandaids aren't enough to make you feel better.  Who can go wrong with the healing power of meat and a free toy? 

Here's what some of the reviews had to say:
"Looking to add a little sizzle to your next flesh wound? Tired of the same boaring bandages?
Not to pork fun at an injury, but nothing strips the pain away like meating friends out dressed like this. "That's sow wrong, George!" they squeal. But fat chance they let such a pig idea go. In fact, they often rip it off quickly--after giving me the cold shoulder.
Perhaps it's time to climb out of this filthy pig pun. I can't help it: I ham what I ham." -George Takei 

*Hey if George Takei endorses it, it has to be good, right? 

"These bacon bandages are so realistic that they may cause secondary injuries. I applied a bacon bandage to moderate cut on my left thumb and within 2 hours, 4 people attempted to bite me. These bites required more bacon bandages, which, in turn , were responsible for more bites. The amount of bites per bandage applied rose exponentially to the point where I may die from blood loss. I am in desperate need of some liver and onion bandages as these would be appealing only to geriatrics who would be easily fought off." -Cool Hand
*Apparently caution is necessary as they may cause further injury if around your bacon loving friends. 

To purchase your own bacon bandages from Amazon visit Bacon Adhesive Bandages

Of course this wouldn't be a list of weird things to buy on Amazon if it didn't include canned unicorn meat!  It is necessary to provide the entire product description for laughs "No foolin' - Unicorn meat is real! Excellent source of sparkles! Rick Bite Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat. Tasty Magical Beast Diagram Parts Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the Sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you're lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He'll know what to do."

Here are some reviews on the quality of this product as a food source:
"When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it.
Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).
Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, "farmed" unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is.
I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger" -Geoge Takei

 *Good ol' George strikes again

"Don't order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the pegasus ranches. Don't believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead." -V Zhironovsky
*Of course every review can't be positive, and there was bound to be some negativity on such a controversial product.  However I don't see why Lisa Frank had to take any flak on this one

If you would like to purchase your own Unicorn Meat you can go to Canned Unicorn Meat

After all this awesomeness I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to top the previous items until I found the Instant Irish Accent Breath Spray.  It is described as magical and giving an Irish accent within an instant by activating invisible language receptors in the mouth.

Here are some of the reviews:
"When it arrived I had a good laugh and I couldn't wait to show my friends. I took a hit of the minty spray and instantly sounded like an Irishman! I laughed some more and set the spray down and went about my business around my bachelor pad. A little while later my phone rang. When I answered it, I still had an Irish accent! My mom thought I was kidding around and eventually got frustrated and hung up. When we disconnected I was baffled, yet I suddenly had an urge to dance a jig! I didn't know what had come over me! It's been four days now and I still have the accent. It was fun at first. I was walking into pubs and ordering pints like a true Irishman! It's getting a little old now though. I wonder how much longer this will last? My friend's are getting tired of me spontaneously bursting out into a jig and trying to fight people.
EDIT \ UPDATE:
It's been eight days now and my regular voice is starting to come back. The urges to dance an Irish jig have subsided a bit. Now they only occur when I drink Guinness. I'm no longer trying to fight people. I did sprout a patch of red hair on my head." - The Biff

*As you can read, caution is warranted when using the Irish accent breath spray.  Make sure that you are in a place and have the time to really let this play itself out. 

"Yuck, I don't care if others said it worked, it doesn't. I tried it multiple times and nothing happened. it tastes like bad, expired peppermint and is a waste of your money." -Ivc
I am scared to say that I think this person was serious in thinking it would work.....

If you would like to give the accent spray a try yourself and see what kind of effect it might have on you, check it out at Irish Accent Breath Spray

Last but not least I came across the Anti-Monkey Butt Powder.  This conveniently comes in Original and Lady versions.  This is specially formulated to absorb sweat and minimize frictional discomfort.  The Lady version also advertises that it can minimize the frictional discomfort that women often experience when running, using exercise equipment, driving, or walking.  It is supposedly ideal for "butt busting" activities. 

Here are some reviews
"I use this on my 2 1/2 year old son when he has really gnarly poop and he gets a the equivalent of diaper rash. also works great if you get a chaffed butt from horseback riding or thongs. When i was pregnant my butt crack was sore all the time from sweat and having a fat rear. this stuff took care of the soreness in the first day."-Pippikins
*In my opinion Pippikins got a little too personal, but at least now we have more ideas of when to use anti-Monkey Butt powder.  

"This powder is unequaled in all of powderdom. Keeps skin dry and silky smooth, even in areas where perspiration is the most annoying. Lady Anti Monkey Butt has no talc, a huge plus for those of us who avoid talc at all costs. Unlike other powders, it lasts and lasts after application. The scent is so light as to be undetectable...and with the feel of luxury. Girls, don't be put off by the name."-J36
*Unequaled in all of powderdom?  I am sold.

If you would like to purchase some for yourself go to Anti-Money Butt Powder

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