Emotional Abuse Is...... Part 1

Emotional Abuse Is....  part 1 written in October 2015, but I am only now able to post this, Part 2 to follow soon.


Finding another girls underwear in your live in boyfriend's underwear drawer, confronting him about it and by the end of the argument he makes you feel like it was your fault for finding them and you are in the wrong.


Taking two days to even ask about the underwear because even though you know this is the end, you don't know if you are really ready for it.


Leaving out details such as finding the underwear from people you would normally tell everything to because you know how it sounds and you aren't ready to face that because some part of you still wants to find a way for this to all be a big mistake, and you want to hide in denial.


Knowing deep inside that something is wrong and still needing validation, even with validation from phone proof, instead he says he would be sorry for the video chats with another woman he says he wants to be in bed with that went on in the living room while you were in the bedroom and somehow the argument gets turned around on  you for violating his privacy and being nosy.


Finding phone messages make you feel so physically ill you actually stand over the toilet wondering if you are about to throw up. 


Going through your phone/email/chat to find someone that is not close to situation to talk to about finding phone messages so that you can hear the truth and have it laid out to you, but not actually have to act on it. 


Rationalizing that the person is going through a lot and things will get better.


Another person making you feel crazy and second guessing your intuition.


Having someone throw your help back in your face and make you feel like a bad person for caring and wanting to do things for them.


Violating another person's privacy to get information because you still NEED to see them bold face lie to your face about a woman (another one), from their past that is sending emails about planning their future together as recent as less than a week ago, and him telling  you that he hasn't spoken to them in over four months.


Reading another woman's messages and feeling as thought she is a kindred spirit with the way that they echo your own thoughts and insecurities because you can read in her words that she also feels a wrongness with the same man.


Having someone manipulate your words and turn them against you, constantly calling you untrustworthy and a liar to the point that you start to question yourself and revisit situations in your mind.


Loving someone else's children with so much of yourself that you try to look past the other person's faults because it is not their children's fault and then having your parenting techniques constantly criticized and having them tell you that they hope their daughters never turn out like you. 


Spending more than one second wondering if this person even likes you. 


Hearing your words and descriptions of incidents spoken allowed and knowing how wrong it is, but still rationalizing and envisioning a future with this person.


Beginning to avoid talking to people the closest to you altogether, so that they won't know how bad things are, because you still feel like you need to protect this person.


Having to write this in the first place at a low point to be able to come back and reread and stay strong and remember that you are an amazing woman, that you allowed this man and his children to come into your life with open arms and a welcoming home to try to do everything for them and have all of your efforts thrown back in your face.

One Little Piece

One Little Piece

Brittany L. McCann

9/27/2015

 

It starts out so small

You almost don’t even notice

The change is slight

Invisible on the outside

To pinpoint its cause

Is practically impossible

One day it hits you

There is something gone

But it’s only one little piece

Nothing big or major

An infinitesimal shard

Easy to replace

Will it ever come back?

Knowing not where it’s gone

A tiny morsel is all

The pain starts to shine

A pinpoint of dark

In a place meant for light

The can damage its whole

Merely because of the absence of

One little piece

Will it ever be mended?

This now missing piece

After all its size is miniscule

A microscope can barely glimpse it

And yet without its presence

This one little piece

Can eat away at the whole

Somehow I must find

This one little piece

That has gone missing

Just one little piece

Such a small little piece

Yet still a vital piece

This one little piece

This piece of my heart.

The Last Lover

The Last Lover is written by Can Xue (pen name for Deng Xiaohua), and translated from Chinese into English by Annelise Finegan Wasmoen.

If Quentin Tarentino was living in a Vanilla Sky-esque world in the middle of a Twilight Zone episode and writing in traditional Chinese metaphors, this book would be the result. This has to be the strangest book I have ever read. Having a little bit of background in Chinese culture, I was able to understand some of the writing stance of the author. Many Chinese stories are told through metaphors (much like reading Aesop’s fables).

In the Last Lover, we follow along the journeys of the characters Joe: a worker at a clothing factory and separately his wife Maria. Vincent: the owner of the clothing factor and separately his wife Lisa from the gambling city. Reagan: the owner of a Rubber Tree plantation who buys his uniforms from the clothing factory and briefly his sometimes mistress, Ida.

Each of these characters is on their own journey through their thoughts and every single one of them has trouble telling reality from the created worlds within their minds. There is a blending of realities between characters as they each feature at some point or another within the “reality” of the other characters. Can Xue has also created many other interesting characters along the way.

I can’t really say that this is a “good” book, but I can’t very well rate it below 3 stars. If nothing else, the creativity and originality of the Last Lover is beyond comparison. Can Xue paints beautiful descriptions of the people (when relevant) and their locations. She does an amazing job of making you constantly question reality, just as each character does themselves.

The beginning is a little hard to get into the flow with her unique style of writing. However, once you grasp the way that Can Xue has chosen to tell her story, you are more easily to follow along with the journeys. The characters themselves are definitely interesting to get to know, and I think that Maria and Joyner were definitely my favorite characters. Can Xue depicts the fears and desires from the depths of each character’s psyche.

Overall I still stand by my 3/5 star review due to the actual story as a whole. I had many grand illusions of what the point of the book itself would be. I should have known, given the Chinese desire to leave a story with a messed up ending, but I even anticipated this and still felt extreme disappointment in the final closing scene. I wanted there to be a better wrap up of all that had transpired. In its way there is a closure, but I wanted something more from the intense journeys that were traveled with the characters than the ending that fell flat from such expectations. If you are interested in taking a journey unlike any other, this book is still worth the read, and it is definitely a unique story of its own. I could easily see it being made into a Vanilla Sky type of movie and again, I must commend Can Xue on her beautiful originality, even if the journey was a bit messed up along the way.

*I received a copy of this book for free in exchange for a fair and honest review.

A Broken Kind of Beautiful

A Broken Kind of Beautiful by Katie Ganshert is a book that I had the honor of winning in a Goodreads giveaway.  It is about a 24-year-old woman named Ivy Clark.  Ivy is a high-fashion model at the tail end of a career that has lasted 10 years.  The realization that she may be getting too old to be a model for much longer.  The book starts out with Ivy on the outs of a lasting contract that has kept her employed.

 

This book starts out a bit slow in setting the scene, and for about the first third of the book, I felt that it was hard to visualize the location and atmosphere in the book.  I distinctly remember several times towards the beginning of the book where characters were talked about but I just couldn't picture what they look like or what the room they were in was like, aside from a generic idea.  The story was still enjoyable as the storytelling is primarily around Ivy and her world falling apart around her.  Luckily the rest of the book gets much more descriptive, as I like to visualize the world that the story is about.   

As someone who isn't usually much for Christian Fiction novels, I can admit that I probably wouldn't have gone for this book initially if I would have known that it fell into that genre.  Luckily I didn't realize that because it was not detracting from the story.  Katie did a wonderful job of sneaking a lot of it in without shoving it in your face.  Regardless of your beliefs the underlying message is one that is useful to anyone.  We should all look for forgiveness, redemption and love. 

Despite a slow start, the book is never not enjoyable to read.  Katie does an amazing job of creating realistic characters that have realistic problems.  She wrote about many difficult issues in this book and there were times where my heart just broke for some of the characters and I would have a tear or two drop from my eye.  As you are reading you can really connect with the characters and feel their pain and their frustration at life and themselves.  Overall I definitely enjoyed the story and the message that it brought forth, bringing us all a little deeper into fashion, photography, and what it feels like to be "broken".  I definitely recommend this book and give it 4 out of 5 stars.  Great job Katie Ganshert, I will definitely look into your previous novels: Wildflowers from Winter and Wishing on Willows.

The Frost of Springtime

Recently I have joined this amazingly addictive book site called goodreads.com.  I know, once again I am WAY behind the times, but at least I catch up eventually.  Anyway on the site you can enter in to book giveaways.  I was so excited that I actually won something for once in my life when I was able to read this book.

I received the Frost of Springtime as an advanced reader copy in Kindle format from the talented Rachel L. Demeter.  I was intrigued by the description of the book and got even more excited after exchanging a few messages back and forth with Rachel in which I immediately liked her style.
I have to admit that I was a little hesitant because I was expecting this to be a romance book.  Let me feign ignorance here because my only encounters in the past with romance novels have been in the more harlequin type and I was pleasantly surprised with the content of the story.  I would consider this to be more of a historical fiction novel with romance intertwined.  I was slowly drawn in to the character of Aleksander and his internal war with PTSD as he finds himself on the path of a love that could heal his very soul, if he will take a chance.

My favorite quote:  ""Amour de ma vie ... ton image hante mes nuits, me poursuit le jour, elle remplit ma vie .. " Love of my life, your image haunts my nights, follows me all the day, fulfills my life."

From what I can tell this is Rachel's initial break through novel for sale and for an initial piece she did an amazing job.  I have wrestled back and forth between a 4 and a 5 star review on this book.  I have resolved with a final 4.7   The prologue was excellently written and very vivid and immediately turned my standard to high for this story.  The first 2 chapters felt slightly choppy after such an amazing prologue.  All of the elements of the story were there but I was having a hard time with the locations and visuals, it felt like something was missing.  I was still intrigued by the story and pushed on and by the end of chapter 3 I was fully hooked into the story.  I felt like the descriptions came across much more clearly and I have nothing but praise for the remainder of the story barring 2 or 3 grammatical errors in the last chapter.  And a few unanswered questions that arose with the close of the story. 

The Frost of Springtime revolves around a man known as Vicomte Aleksender de Lefèvre and takes place predominantly in Paris, France during the end of the Franco-Prussian war.  This was a very dark and gloomy time for Paris and Rachel did a superb job of capturing the feeling of desperation and the gloom about the people and settings throughout the story.  My praise really goes out to her portrayal of Aleksander's PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as he has returned from the war.  She really made you feel like you were inside of Alek's head and wrestling with his inner demons and moral dilemmas as he struggles to keep hold of the edge of sanity to make it through life on a day to day basis.  Not many fictional writers are brave enough to tackle such a daunting task as PTSD and she did so beautifully.  The romance is a gradual, building one that allows you to really feel the roles that the characters play in each other's lives take an enormous shift.  It is not written as an "in your face" sort of affair, but rather one that is done in a tastefully appealing manner and yet it is still quite titillating.  No matter how many mistakes Aleksander seems to make he is ever the underdog you want to continue to root for.  Rachel did a wonderful job personifying his personal struggle and still making him into a lovable character.  Overall I would definitely recommend this book to anyone interested in historical fiction laced with romance as well as a look at the world from the mind of a man with PTSD and the solace he finds in the innocent love of a woman whose scent is that of roses and the frost of springtime.    I can't wait to read any of Rachel's future works of art.

Letter Writing: Old Fashioned Romantic Gestures

I have a few fairly old fashioned tastes when it comes to what I want from a man and a relationship. One of these things is that I want a man who will take the thought and time to send me an actual handwritten letter, and send it through the mail with *gasp* an actual stamp. I find that I can eliminate a LOT of suitors with this one simple request. Their response to this request tells me a LOT about them. I get a lot of excuses such as; "I hate writing" "I have bad handwriting" "I could do it in a couple of months when I have more free time" "I don't have time for stuff like that" "I don't have any stamps or envelopes", etc. If you can't take the time to do something as simple as write me a letter, than I must not mean very much to you. If you cannot take the time to some something so simple and thoughtful and personal than you aren't very serious about wanting to court me. There is only one person who has actually said that they would write to me.... I find this sad, but also hopeful that all is not lost in the hopes of real love.

Another reason why letters mean so much to me is that when my parents got divorced, my mother gave me all of the letters that my dad wrote to her when he was away at college before they got married talking about how much he loved her and me and I can't read them without crying. I also have her journals from when she was younger and those are some of my most priceless possessions, along with photos. I have boxes that I take with me everywhere of every letter that anyone has ever written to me from middle school until now. The written word is so amazing. Somehow you take more time to think when you actually wrote on paper than you do on a computer or through text. It takes that extra thought to know that what you are writing will be there on paper forever.

I know that I wrote more before being a mother and now I have sucked at it in the written form, I have been documenting a lot electronically, but that could all go away one day. I keep buying journals that I want to fill the pages of, I have them next to my bed, I used them for dream journals and late night thoughts but I bought a bunch of fun new colored pens so that I can have even more incentive to write more. I need to get on it myself. I need to print out more pictures for Liam to have and to post up around the house and to have actual REAL photo albums for Liam to look through. 

Random Liam Moments: January 2014

I had such a great time sharing Liam's random moments from December that I thought it would be fun to share them monthly!  Here are some of the highlights from the last month.

Liam will only wear his Cars Light Up Shoes and his Airplanes zip-up hoodie for a jacket.  It doesn't matter if it matches or not.  We get into a huge fight if I really want him to wear something else or extensive acts of bribery...  Usually I find it's not worth it and just wash them both constantly instead haha.

Liam and I were playing and he told me to go to timeout. At lunch I ate a carrot off of his plate and he told me to go to timeout again. We are watching Despicable Me 2 right now and we always talk about wanting chip hats... I told Liam I wanted a Chip Hat and he said "No I want one, timeout!" Somehow I think this has backfired on me

Liam just let out a really long fart, and then there was silence before he said bless you. I don't know why it was so funny but I just laughed hysterically for almost 5 full minutes.... In case this is funny to anyone else I wanted to share, otherwise I am probably just sleep deprived hahaha. Usually he says excuse me but I think he wasn't sure what to think hahaha


Liam says to me "I have to go potty" as he is playing in his tent so I told him Let's go potty" and we started walking to the bathroom. He informed me "I peed in my pants" He is not one for accidents so I am frantically touching his pants all over looking for a wet spot saying "did you really, how come?" He says "No, ha I'm funny" and laughs hysterically....... Children...

Liam is playing with his food, he had a cheese curd and ripped it in half and one of them was Liam and one was mommy, they were having conversations and playing hide and seek, and at the end they hugged and said "I love you Liam" and "I love you too" and then they were eaten haha. At least they were loving cheese curds...

 Three must be when it starts.... he calls my kisses yucky and now he doesn't want to wake up if I try to wake him up telling me no waking up and that it's time to sleep... 3 going on 13..... And he wakes up wanting chocolate in the morning throwing a tantrum when I won't let him have chocolate for breakfast. I feel like I have a teen girl going through PMS some days haha


 Liam is playing with his food, he had a cheese curd and ripped it in half and one of them was Liam and one was mommy, they were having conversations and playing hide and seek, and at the end they hugged and said "I love you Liam" and "I love you too" and then they were eaten haha. At least they were loving cheese curds...


So a grand maul tantrum ensued after trying to make Liam some oatmeal and he wanted chocolate cream of wheat, so after he calmed down I made him cream of wheat and myself oatmeal.... guess who just gave me his cream of wheat and is now devouring my oatmeal.... little stinker

Liam was watching videos on Youtube and got onto one of making a polymer clay minion from despicable me, he has now been enthralled in polymer clay pixar character creations for the last 45 minutes. I guess this means that it's time for mom to buy Liam some clay or to start making and baking actual objects with the play doh.

 Oh no it has started already at 3, Liam wanted a hug and I kissed his cheek, he just wiped it off and said yuck Where does he learn this? I said No yuck haha

Liam was trying to "cold hands" me while I was making lunch and I made him stop, so then I hear him squealing running around the house so I went to go see what he was doing. He had both hands up the back of his shirt and was saying "cold hands" to himself and squealing haha. I love my child.

This evening Liam and I were watching the second Lilo & Stitch: Stick has a Glitch. Liam has watch all of the Lilo & Stitch movies many times and is very attached to them. He has only seen this one a couple time though and it's been awhile since we last watched it. Towards the end Stitch is running out of power and almost dies, I was watching him and his eyes started to tear up, he was actually feeling emotion towards Stitch and genuinely sad for him and then when their love brings him back to life I was cheering and Liam was happy but his eyes were still wet, if it would have went on for longer I think he genuinely would have cried for Stitch. I found this very interesting because although he knows what goes on in movies now, I haven't seen him get emotionally into something in quite this way. It made me very happy that even though it sucks sometimes I am glad for the decision that I made early on to limit my adult show time to only after Liam was in bed and wasn't watching it. I didn't want him picking up things off of adult themed shows/movies until he was able to better understand what was going on and how to process those things. It is also nice to know that my boy shows compassion towards others even if they are intangible to him.  

 If you want to check out the moments from last month go to:
 Random Liam Moments: December 2013 
 

DIY: Valentine's Ideas For Women

With Valentine's Day fast approaching I know that I will be spending another year without a Valentine.  I do not say this with regret, sadness or loneliness, just as a statement of fact.  I bring this up only because I want to do something special for myself.  I want a nice homemade gift from one of my favorite people in the world me!  And then an even more favorite person in the world can help me, my son of course!  So in the true crafty spirit I have found a few DIY ideas that will get the creative juices flowing and allow Liam and I to choose something awesome to create that I can enjoy on Valentine's Day!  I decided to write a blog about it because I know that I am not the only woman out there that loves a more personal gift, and what better time to receive than Valentine's.  Here are some of the top ideas that I have come up with and will pick one to do a step-by-step blog on in the spirit of Valentine's Day!  I would love to see other DIY projects that anyone else has come across and hear about any of your attempts to recreate these ideas!  Good luck and I hope that in whatever capacity you spend V-Day in that it is full of happiness and love!

Sweet Orange Lip Balm
This sounds delicious and doesn't look TOO difficult, although I don't think I need to make so much or but it in as crazy of containers.


 If you are interested in making this check it out at:
All Natural Lip Balm













If you would like a salve that was a bit more earthy you could make the homemade salve:

Directions here:
Homemade Salve












Kitchen Herb Garden

I know that there are MANY MANY variations as to how to make a quick and easy herb garden, but this is just one example. 

check it out here:

Kitchen Herb Garden







Bath Tea

I love tea and I love a nice hot bath...  So why not combine the two!  Bath tea, what an excellent ideas! 

You can find the directions here:

Homemade Bath Tea











Valentine's Day Journal

This may have been originally intended for a teacher and for V-Day but I could easily see this being made for ANYONE and using any sort of decoration.  I can totally see Liam helping me out on this and giving me an awesome hand print or something cool! 

If you would like to make your own check it out here:

Valentine's Day Journal









Soaks & Scrubs

I am down with either one.  You can never have enough of this stuff and homemade is always great because you get to chose your own scents and customize it!  So easy to do!


For the herbal Foot Soak go to :

Herbal Foot Soak Recipe
















For the sugar scrub go to:

Lemon Sugar Scrub

Does Your Child Measure Up?

Today I came across a wonderful blog article that made me tear up a little at the innocence of youth and thinking of any and everything I can do to try to make Liam's the best that it can possibly be for him. I do what I can, and am not too far off on what this had to say, which is amazing that I can compliment myself on that. We are so hard on ourselves as parents, and I love reminders that our cooking and reading, and play doh and mud everywhere is important when I start to worry about whether or not Liam is where he should be in life. I always remember with speech and how boys talk slower what a friend on mine once said to me. As long as they can talk by the time kindergarten starts, they will be just fine haha. I know I sometimes measure Liam up to others and hear the eloquent speech of some girls in his class and wonder if he is behind. I have to step back and remember that Liam can convey whatever he wants in his shorter sentences and don't need to throw in extra words, and that I almost always know what it is that he wants or needs or wants to say and that is all that really matters, because he can create some amazing things and his intelligence DOES shine through already! 

This article was geared at 4 year olds and my son is only 3 but the sentiment is the same for any age child, especially this delicate toddler and approaching early primary school age years.  The premise of the piece is that parents are always trying to measure and size their parents up to other kids of the same age, younger and older to see if they own children are on track and where they need to be as far as intellectual and physical developmental level.  I know that I have found myself doing it with Liam as well.  And I have had had other parents grill me about Liam's ability to see where to place their children in regards to my child.  Now I am not saying that having pride in your child is a bad thing.  This is a wonderful thing.  You SHOULD be proud of your child no matter where they fall within this spectrum.  I know that there are certain things that the pediatrician will want to know about where your child is so that they can determine if they need to look into any learning, mental, speech disabilities, but otherwise your child could be on any level.  Traditionally, girls learn to do a lot of things much faster than boys.  I have to constantly remind myself of this when I find myself measuring Liam up to girls in his class that are almost a full year older than him.  As a toddler a year is a HUGE difference, and the majority of girls become much better speakers so much faster than boys.  

What was the meat of the message and the most important thing that we ALL need to remember as parents is that the most important things that we will teach our children are things like love.  Ways to adapt to life in the world, how to stand up for themselves, how to find compassion and appreciation for life.  How to be gentle and kind to creatures and people who may not be as strong or as able as them.  They should know how to give and receive love.  They should know that they are safe when they are with you and that you love them whether they are right or wrong.  They should know independence and curiosity in the world around them. They should know balance and limits and how to push past limits in a positive way.  They should know that there are both good and bad consequences to anything that they do.  They should know how to handle themselves in an emergency situation, how to contact help or go to someone safe for help.  They should know how to trust their own intuition and how to listen to and trust their judgement.  They should know when to walk away from a situation that does not feel safe.  They should know what would not be acceptable, how to say no when something is not right.  They should know how to experiment and enjoy the world around them.  They should know the grandeur of storytelling and learning the beauty that is a storybook.  They should learn how valuable books really are.  They should know how to create and destroy and recreate something.  

I could really go on forever, but I think you get the point.  The most important thing we need to teach our children is how to be who they are in the most extravagant, beautiful and magical way no matter what that means. They should know that they are loved and supported and safe.  The speech will come when the time is right, just like the math and the reading on one's own and writing.  EVERY child is a beautiful and unique snowflake.  They will ALL learn differently from one another and they are each their own individual.  We should embrace that in them and help them blossom into the most beautiful flowers that the world has ever seen.  This is really the best way to make a difference in the world...  By being the best parents we can be, by not sweating the small stuff, leading by example and most importantly by teaching them that only in love will there be peace.  

If you would like to find the original article it can be found at: What should a 4 year old know?

Humility in Life

Today was another one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong and it feels like a "Monday."  I woke up 20 minutes late, I was rushing all morning and finally getting back to schedule, drop Liam off and come out to leave for work and my car won't start.  It was obvious that my battery had died, so I went back inside and asked if anyone could help me jump start my car.  I had jumper cables and just needed another car.  It was all women that I could find and they all found ti hard to believe that I would know how to use jumper cables and wouldn't assist me.  Everyone just kept telling me to call roadside assistance and couldn't fathom that I only had liability on my car like I was a crazy person.  Eventually a man in an Air Force uniform came along and offered to help, I told him I just needed a car and I could do it, he insisted that I go sit in my car and he would handle it.  Unfortunately I come from somewhere where people do know how to use jumper cables so I was too trusting.  I was trying to watch from under the hood from the inside of the car and something seemed to be off.  The guy was seeming a little too nervous to me.  So I got out of my car to assist him when my car started smoking and there were sparks.  It turns out that he had hooked up to my fuse box instead of my battery.  Although I am grateful for his effort in trying to help me, I wish he would have decided otherwise if he didn't know what he was doing.  Needless to say this ended up costing me close to $250 and a few hours of my time, but luckily it appears that my car is drivable again.


At this point I was definitely not feeling at the top of my game and wasn't in the greatest mood.  I was doing my best to try to look at the bright side of the situation when I heard a man speak that changes my day and my attitude around completely.  This man was in a very sad state of mind.  He was a low point in his life and he chose to be brave and share his struggles and he talked about having lost everything in his life that mattered to him, his job, his home, his wife and most of all his children.  This story touched my to my core.  Here I was down about something so trivial when I have so much to be thankful for.  I get to wake up to my amazing son, I get to laugh with him, hug him, kiss him, and put him to bed every night.  I get to watch him learn and grow before his eyes.  I could lose everything in life but as long as I still have him, I will always have something to be thankful for.

Since we are on the topic of humility I came across something else the other day that also touched my heart and made me so sad in less than one minute.  I feel like this message of this video definitely needs to be shared, and so I am now sharing it with you.  I could go on and on about this message, but for now I will let the video tell the story and we can address this topic at a later date.  Take this powerful message to heart. 

Taking Things For Granted: Socks and My Sister

Today I was listening to a bunch of stories going around a room and there was one by a man who had been sitting quietly and decided to share his recent experience.  He was talking about how his bicycle had been broken and so he went to buy a replacement one as well as a pair of shoes (just your basic generic brand name shoes and some doctor prescribed socks).  He started adding everything up and realized that he did not have enough money to get anything and had to put the socks back because he had to have the bike for transportation and needed the shoes to be able to ride the bike, so the socks would have to be left behind.  Instead of feeling sad about this, he instead felt very thankful that he was able to afford the bicycle because he could not work or function without some form of transportation.  He was feeling joy at this gift in life.

I was sitting there listening to this story and it touched me to my very core.  I couldn't hold back my tears to even think about it.  I sit here and worry about so many stupid little things and this man can't even buy socks to wear with his shoes.  And he is happy for what he can afford instead, and feeling very thankful.  I was shamed that I could ever be living in a state that was not in constant gratitude because I have SO very much in life.  I know that I do my best to be thankful for all that I have when I can think on the times that I would have been happy with a quarter of what I have.  I wasn't needing anything for Christmas, I was so thankful to be able to give Liam what I could and was truly feeling bad that I could not provide more for him this year with all that has happened.  Although I have had my fair share of curve balls thrown at me, especially in this past year I have somehow managed to make it day by day, week by week, month by month, until here we are looking at a new year.  I have no idea how I have managed to afford some of the things that I have had to pay for, and I just send my thanks and my blessings out to the universe and am in gratitude for all of the amazing help that I receive in each moment.  I am so blessed that I only have to work one job to provide for my son, and that I am able to see him and spend time with him and feel comfortable in where he spends his day in the hours that we have to be apart.
I was overcome with thoughts of my sister more than anything.  I love my sister, I always have and I always will, but goodness knows we are polar opposites in almost everything in life.  we have lived together off and on since she was about 16 years old.  There have been good times, there have been bad times.  Somehow we always find a way to smile and joke and laugh our way back to happy times.  I know that in the last year and two I have been hard on her.  I am always making her mad for "trying to be her mother and not her sister."  I wish I knew how to be different with her.  I try really hard to be a better sister.  I am maternal at heart but I always think of her as one of my best friends.  I love her through thick and thin.  I was thinking about the stupid things that I have been mad at her for in the past and the things that we argue about and I felt so incredibly ashamed for some of the ways that I want my sister's thinking to be different than what it is.  For wanting her to see things through someone else's eyes.  I have always tried to push my own life's lessons onto her instead of really accepting her as who she is, no matter how hard it can be to watch.  I know that I worry about her more as a mom than a sister sometimes, I know that I can be the overbearing overprotective sister, I am the "party pooper" and the boring one.  I hate to see my sister in any pain at all, I always wish that I could take it all away and feel it for her and just see her be happy and free in life all of the time.  I have shamefully been envious of my sister at times.  I have felt that there was unfair advantages given to her for things that I worked so hard for so long to achieve.  I have wanted things to be "fair" to have been given the same punishments when growing up.  Whereas I would accept whatever punishment was given to me and serve it out, finding a way to own it and do what I wanted to do anyway, my sister would argue for days and get off virtually free in my eyes.  It was hard growing up seven years apart and having our own unique generation gap.  Somehow this man's story about socks made me think about all of these things and more.  I just sat there ashamed at myself for not being the sister that my own sister deserved to have.  I just wanted to break down and cry, as I am while I write this.  I just wanted to hug my sister and beg for her forgiveness to tell her that nothing in the past mattered that the only thing that mattered in life was that she was my sister and I loved her with all of my heart.  Although I did get to see my sister later in the day it was amidst chaos and I was able to convey at lest part of this message to her and hug her and tell her that I was truly sorry.  I am so thankful for that opportunity even if the emotions I felt then and that I feel now have no comparison in words....

To end the man's story he went to check out and before leaving the store, he was stopped by someone who handed him a shopping bag, inside of the bag was the pair of socks that he was unable to afford, and he was simply told that someone had purchased them for him.  He eyes filled with tears as he told this part, and I felt like I must be the most selfish person in the room.  I wanted to go out and buy everyone socks and hide out in stores to watch what people put back and anonymously buy them for them when they seem unable to get it themselves.  I wanted to give away so many of Liam's toys to someone who could better use them in mass amounts.  (I am still in search of a needy family for this purpose). 

Anyway to sum up this post, I just wanted to share how this man's story effected my way of thinking and my emotions and hope that maybe even one person can read it and feel the need to act as well. 
For after all this is the season for loving and giving to those in need.

My beautiful sister and I

Cheese-Stuffed Meatloaf Burgers for Dad

I promised my dad that when he visited that I would make him some of these, so when he drove all the way from Montana I had to oblige him.

Ingredients:

2 lb Hamburger

3 Egg

5 pieces of bread (ripped into small pieces)

Cheese Cubed (I made 12 burgers so I had 12 cubes of smoked cheddar)

Seasoning (BBQ, Hickory Smoked Balsamic, Alpine Touch, Mediterranean Spiced Sea Salt, Garlic Powder)

Pickles (sliced)

Ketchup (Whatever other accoutrements you prefer on your burger)
Mustard

Hamburger Buns

Directions:

Combine the hamburger, Egg, Bread, and seasoning into a bowl.  Mix thoroughly with your hands to ensure complete mashing together of all ingredients.  Shape the mixture into hamburger rounds.  Make as many as you would like to eat and or have for leftovers.  Take the cubed cheese and smash one cube on the middle of each burger.  Reshape the burger around the cheese so that the cheese is in the middle of the burger.  Cook in a pan or on a grill and turn to get an even browning and melting of the cheese.  While cooking smash down to flatten a bit with your spatula.  Once the burger is cooked to your desired temperature, place on a bun and add your toppings.  Enjoy. 

Combine the hamburger, egg, bread crumbs and seasoning into a bowl to be mashed

Shape into burgers and add additional seasoning on top

The delicious seasoning I used

Reshaped over cheese cubes ( I didn't want to use an extra plate haha)

Serve & Enjoy :)

Dating: A Contemplation of Self

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I have had lots of horrendous luck in the dating and man attracting arena all of my life.  I am encroaching upon my 30th person in a few short months and I am truly curious about what I am projecting out into the universe to attract such horrible luck.  I had posed this question to my facebook friends and received a lot of wonderful perceptions and insights from others.  I wanted to share some of my thoughts and excerpts of some of those comments.

here is my original question:
Question for my fb fam, I keep reading that the main reason a woman cannot find a man of substance is because she has nothing to offer or bring to the table in return. I wonder what I appear to bring to the table from the eyes of others or what possible opinions or comments you might have on why I have such abysmal luck with men. Sincerely curious here. I have my own thoughts on myself but would really like to know how I am viewed by others and what you would see as possible reasons:

 One of my guy friends informed me that: That's a gross oversimplification and generalizing women can't find good men because (enter unique set of circumstances here). 
This lead to my response of: It got me thinking about how I am perceived by others. so what do I project?
He later said: You're attractive, smart, capable and confident. You don't try to burden anyone with your child or your life. But you do like black guys and you do live in the south. You're gonna go through a lot of frog kissing.
To which I responded with: my attraction to one color of person is the biggest fallacy that anyone could ever think of me. Being in the South has been atrocious for my dating life. I find the beliefs of many people in Texas are so vastly different from my own that it is hard to find common ground in key areas. I like men of all color, in the last few years I have probably dated more black guys, but that is not for lack of trying with men of other color. I get rejected ALL the time by men of many races.
His response: Oh I wasn't saying that's all you like. I'm saying that it's who you've been dating.
But I am happy you see the correlation between horrible dating and the south. The culture is just profoundly different. And not necessarily in a good way.
Me: the last guy I was going on dates with was not black. I cannot classify a whole section as bad, and I don't give up. I know I grew up with a lot different beliefs than a lot of people I come into contact with here but there is a lot of good in people as well. 


I also got the generic girlfriend response of: You simply haven't found someone worthy of you.
 Later, she insightfully added: I fell in love with the most unexpected person in the most unexpected time. My ten year relationship had failed, I was alone for a couple of years and can't necessarily say I wanted to do this all over again. Look at me now, I'm 35 and blessed to have found the most perfectly imperfect person for me.
  
So I said: I am just me, simply another human being on this planet. Better at some things, worse at others, but it seems that as I am approaching 30 that I would have at least had something remotely close at this point. I am far from perfect but feel like I have quite a bit to offer someone


More positive insight from a man: I also have less-than-ideal luck with women.
I've felt your pain...I've realized it's because I have very high standards and also because I'm not always putting my best side forward.
 All too often I, like many others, am so concerned with just having *any* relationship that I am not willing to wait for and work for the *right* relationship. Also, it's very much going after what I want. I can't just sit around and wait for my dream girl to show up-when I see her, I've got to go after her.
That's my situation. You're not alone in wondering "why?" : D
 While my response was: Thank you, I love to hear another person's perspective. I know I have high standards, but I also know that I give people the benefit of the doubt. I won't settle for something wrong, but once I commit to something I really put myself into it and then end up in something one sided
His response: Something to consider too is where you're looking for love. It can make all the difference.  I once looked in bars, in gyms, etc. but quickly came to realize that I was better off looking at school, at religious events because it was there that I found women I had more in common with, a more sincere connection. Otherwise it was primarily physical attraction, which was not a solid ground to base a relationship on esp. when I had no idea what else I might or might not have in common with the person.   We all have to be willing to "go fishing" so to speak until we find the right one. You don't have to kiss every frog LoL but you should at least be willing to catch them and talk to them until you find the right frog for you.
ME: although I don't think I would find the right person at a religious event, I have tried various avenues of approach, everything from dating sites, to friends of friends, to random encounters at the book store. I keep an open mind, but I want to know if there is some other way to project what I want out into the universe to get some other signal in return 
  

In my Internet browsing I came across: Hahahaha perusing the internet, I found this written by someone and tend to feel like it can definitely fit into my life: this is the type of guy I keep attracting - they say all the right things, then treat me like rubbish. When I approach a guy I am always rejected, but if I wait to be approached, I am only approached by the type mentioned above - do I have "Loser-magnet" tattooed on my forehead?? 
I can also relate to this: I lacked self confidence growing up. So, in high school, college and there after, if a guy found me interesting, I'd never realize it. He could flirt all day long till the cows came home and I wouldn't see it, simply because my brain automatically threw those signals into the "he's not interested in you" box. I happened to be a jokester and just figured the guys thought I was fun to hang around with (shrugs).
The bad **** (****) were the only guys bold enough to literally ask me out point blank...never understood that part 
I also pondered upon: Someone recently told me that because I am willing to do things for others I only see things as one sided and expect people to go above and beyond for me and this is placing unfair expectations on another person. Although I could not disagree that I expected another person to go above an beyond for me I do not feel that it is wrong to make an effort for someone that you care about. I feel like if I am the only one making an effort it's not going to work. Am I wrong to expect someone to make an effort in return for me, to not ALWAYS be the one to call or text first or go out of my way. We should gladly do these things for one another. 
I got the response of: It's a good expectation to have, but I would be careful entering into new relationships with it. People are imperfect. No one will always be above and beyond as everyone falls short now and again.
It's a good thing to expect reciprocation from your partner, but you must also be patient with them. It's all a matter of how much you like them, how much they cherish you, and how patient you're both willing to be. Sorry feel like I'm on a soap-box.
Talking about projecting, something I've tried that has worked is simply off-the-bat talking with romantic interests about what they're looking for in a relationship before starting one. It's a great way to figure out if you're both looking for the same thing or not, and how compatible you might be. 
Me: Haha given some of the horrendous toad-ships I have had. I think that I give people quite a fair chance and the benefit of the doubt. I expect nothing even close to perfection. What I want from someone at the base is really quite simple. I just want someone who makes me smile and make me laugh. Someone who I can feel comfortable just being with. Someone who can teach me new things and is opening to learning new things as well. Someone with some drive in life towards something. Someone who I can consider to be a good male role model. I have a wonderful career, many goals, I love to cook, I do my best at being a mother, I love animals, I care for my family and friends, I do not need anyone to support me or take care of me, but I get told often that this is emasculating for men and that they need to make more money than me and feel subversive to my independence. The other night I was told that deep down a man really wants a 1950s relationship and does not want an independent woman. Although his approach was quite sexist, I think at the base he touched upon a problem that I might have. Although I am hopelessly devoted to someone I am with and think of myself as quite affectionate, perhaps I am not feeding into the man's ego enough to make him feel as desirable as he really needs to be. Another comment has been that when I go for guys who take care of themselves physically that I am ending up with men with low self-confidence that cannot hang with my lack of co-dependency and am therefore setting myself up for failure.

Another woman's perspective:  We now live in a world where things are more fast paced, temporary, and people tend to be more selfish. That can be hell on a relationship. Just be patient and don't worry too much about the men in your life. I'm sure you are doing nothing wrong and there is certainly nothing wrong with you. You may meet a wonderful man and settle down, and you may not. Just work on yourself and enjoy your life and appreciate everything good that comes along. There is no use dwelling on past relationships and what may or may not have gone wrong. You just have to accept that things ended because it wasn't the best match. Let things be and you will be much happier. That is something I am starting to learn myself and it is like a breath of fresh air.
My response: I am not feeling so much that there is something wrong with me or with anyone for that matter, but just wondering what I am doing or approaching in the entirely wrong manner to end up with people who portray themselves as something compatible for months or even years before we date and then they are something entirely different.
Her: well I just ended things with my boyfriend of three years and for a while I felt that he misrepresented himself in the beginning but then I just realized that it wasn't intentional and I can't be hurt by how things ended. He had no designs to fool me. Most people enter a relationship wanting to put on their best face to impress someone. With the rare exception, most mean no harm by this, it is just human nature. I would say it is similar to a peacock showing his feathers. Unfortunately as time goes on people quit putting forth that effort and their real selves come out, good and bad. Sometimes these are things people can get past and accept about each other and other times it isn't. All we can do is keep moving forward and hope that one day someone will come along and you both can accept each others flaws and still be happy together. 
Me: I completely agree, we all misrepresent ourselves to some extent whether intentional or not. Some of my stories have been such horrendous intent it is downright comical, others were just who they were as people. I know some day I will find someone who's weirdness and crazy and love with be compatible with my own. Or at least I hold out hope for that. I am not feeling like a ticking time bomb with my birthday encroaching upon me, but after so much failure I tend to wonder what I can do differently to have better "failures" to kiss better frogs before I find my prince. And sometimes finding yourself again after all that time is more liberating than anything else in life. I know everyone has been placed in my path for a reason and that I have learned so much from so many people and I do not regret anything that has made me who I am today
Another man's perspective: Most Men are assholes...and don't know how to treat a lady...A lot of my guy friends are single because they are not worth the relationship....Listen to what the guy says next time and if its not sounding like future plans involving you and your son then keep that situation moving...Don't sleep with the guy until he makes you his Number One...And keep God in your relationship
My response:  I know we have talked about this many times, I actually get told that is my problem with a lot of men is that I don't sleep with them right away so that in this day and age I will never catch a man unless I "give it up" so to speak. I find that this just CANNOT be true for every man. somewhere out there has to be a COMPATIBLE partner that craves real substance and not just something quick and easy. I wish people would quit being so lazy in "love"

Another woman building response:  it has been years since we have hung out....but what I have seen from our Facebook friendship are these few things....you are hard working...a great mom...and seem to have things pretty together and also have accomplishments that you should be proud of....the right person will come along and when you know you will know...personally I have dated some pretty dumb men and over the course of some years of being single I have learned that there were things I could have done and there were things he could have done to make the relationship work but inevitably we weren't right for each other...and I learned a lot about myself and have come to realize that in my life settling isn't an option....and I also learned that every guy I meet or date could be "the one"...but to not focus on that and just enjoy the moment. ...I perceive you to be one hell of women who works hard for herself and her son and any guy would be lucky to have you...date some frogs...date some hotties and enjoy them because one of them will probably be the one...and you will know. ...keep your head up and enjoy the moments...love will show up...
ME: I think you have a lot of good points in what you say. Thus far I KNOW that I have NOT been in a relationship with the person I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. I keep wondering if maybe that kind of love is not meant for me until I am in my 60s and Liam is off to college, or maybe that's just not meant for this lifetime. Perhaps I have been blessed with so many other amazing kinds of love that romantic love is the one that shall always be just out of my grasp 
HER: I'm single too and sometimes I think that I won't find love either...but choosing to stay positive about it helps...you will meet someone and he will be terrific and he will love you and Liam unconditionally. ..and it will happen before Liam is in college...and if not you can move with my friend and I down south or to Vegas and we can troll for thirty something men. 
  
A loving female relative: I was single for nearly two decades. I have only one thing I want to share with you. The quality of man you end up with seems to become better in direct proportion to the number of toads you've kissed on the way!
Keep on going! You are a fantastic catch and you make me so proud! 

Another loving female friend:I have been a single mom for 5yrs now of two amazing boys. As you know my youngest son has special needs and can be a handful all on his own. Its harder to date just being a single mom period!! Most men in my opinion and experience is afraid of the unknown and don't feel they can carry the weight that you already carry with out them. They look at a women with total commitment and love for their children as intimidating. I'm being honest most people in general are selfish and want the person they are dating\getting to know all to themselves.....
Just remember you are amazing loving mom with so much to give and nobody can take that away from you. Someday a real man who will admire and cherish you and your boy will come and not look at you as a choice but a great opportunity and blessing!!!
Untill that day just remember no time spent with your son is a wast of time and to always let him know you are complete with him! If someone comes along there just a added bonus so stop wasting time wondering or feeling your missing out cuz your single. Its not true! I am very close to my boys and both of them are drug free they love and respect themselves and are my befriends all because I lead them by example and was even honest when they didn't want me to be.... I hope this helps a little.
Love you girly xoxox

A married man's point of view: I know finding a person that is all things is difficult, so don't try to find that person. Instead, focus on what makes you happy. Not your perfect match, but is he a man that is willing to communicate, compromise, and have some sort of stability. 

A Childhood friends insight: I have two thoughts on this -
First, the only people who bring "nothing to the table" are those who believe they don't. Just because what you have to offer may not be tangible - like money, or influence - doesn't mean that you don't offer amazing things. I haven't seen you in over a decade, and I know you bring an amazing mind, boundless love, and determination that seems to have no limits.
Second, don't ever settle because you're afraid that there may not be anything or anyone better. Approach every potential relationship demanding everything you deserve, and give everything your partner deserves. It has to be in balance. If it isn't, neither of you will be fulfilled, or satisfied. If a man is demanding more of you than you are getting in return, then he isn't good enough for you, and you should move on.
Keep your chin up, woman. You will find someone who gives you everything you deserve, and recognizes you for the amazing person that you are! 

Another woman's point of view: Just a thought; Maybe stop actually looking. Honestly? Maybe being alone, being comfortable with being alone and being happy with yourself alone is key here. A man is nice, but isn't the key to your lifelong happiness. Being happy as a strong, independent woman is far more important than any man, and provides your son with a healthy outlook on how to treat women later in life. Go out on dates. Don't commit. If it's right, you will know it. Always trust your gut. Be hard to get - but not to hard to get - it's a fine line. It will work out at some point - it's not the end all be all 

My responses to the last couple: The mass amount of responses has been amazing. I apologize for any who took the original status as out of context with my character. I have in the past spent time looking for a man, but at this time I do not and have been very happy with being single. I have enjoyed the extra time to myself and have found myself selfishly guarding my alone time when Liam is asleep. I have had some approaches but have found no one yet that was amazing enough to cut into my new-found hobbies and personal space. I know how I can be in relationships and I don't want to compromise my personal time for just anyone. Someone amazing is going to need to come along in order for me to devote my attention to him in addition to what I already have going on. Bottom line relationships require work, a lot of work. They work if you work them, and if you stop, they fall apart. If you can't devote the time to actually spend with another person or to show them how much you care than you shouldn't waste yours or anyone else's time! 
I do honestly believe that I have a lot to offer to someone, and I can't wait to find someone who has something awesome to offer in return to so we share in the greatness of our union. Until then I am undoubtedly content with life. I LOVE being a mom more than I have ever loved anything in life. I love that I am blogging now, I love the extra time I have to get into zumba, and I love that I can try to at least spend time with one or more friends each day to try to improve upon and genuinely check up on someone else selflessly. I want to do more of this. BE the friend I want someone to be for me.. I am humbled by your high opinion of me, and the high opinion that so many of you seem to have expressed this evening. Although this started out as a curiosity, it has truly brought me great insight into myself and into the situation from a sociological stand point. I have valued all of your opinions and comments very highly. 

*All in all these discussions really gave me an immense amount of insight which is why I have chosen to share it with my readers because perhaps you can take something from it, or perhaps you have something to add.  Comments are always welcome.  Thank you so much for your love and support.  Benevolence upon you all in love and life and health and happiness.