Humility in Life

Today was another one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong and it feels like a "Monday."  I woke up 20 minutes late, I was rushing all morning and finally getting back to schedule, drop Liam off and come out to leave for work and my car won't start.  It was obvious that my battery had died, so I went back inside and asked if anyone could help me jump start my car.  I had jumper cables and just needed another car.  It was all women that I could find and they all found ti hard to believe that I would know how to use jumper cables and wouldn't assist me.  Everyone just kept telling me to call roadside assistance and couldn't fathom that I only had liability on my car like I was a crazy person.  Eventually a man in an Air Force uniform came along and offered to help, I told him I just needed a car and I could do it, he insisted that I go sit in my car and he would handle it.  Unfortunately I come from somewhere where people do know how to use jumper cables so I was too trusting.  I was trying to watch from under the hood from the inside of the car and something seemed to be off.  The guy was seeming a little too nervous to me.  So I got out of my car to assist him when my car started smoking and there were sparks.  It turns out that he had hooked up to my fuse box instead of my battery.  Although I am grateful for his effort in trying to help me, I wish he would have decided otherwise if he didn't know what he was doing.  Needless to say this ended up costing me close to $250 and a few hours of my time, but luckily it appears that my car is drivable again.


At this point I was definitely not feeling at the top of my game and wasn't in the greatest mood.  I was doing my best to try to look at the bright side of the situation when I heard a man speak that changes my day and my attitude around completely.  This man was in a very sad state of mind.  He was a low point in his life and he chose to be brave and share his struggles and he talked about having lost everything in his life that mattered to him, his job, his home, his wife and most of all his children.  This story touched my to my core.  Here I was down about something so trivial when I have so much to be thankful for.  I get to wake up to my amazing son, I get to laugh with him, hug him, kiss him, and put him to bed every night.  I get to watch him learn and grow before his eyes.  I could lose everything in life but as long as I still have him, I will always have something to be thankful for.

Since we are on the topic of humility I came across something else the other day that also touched my heart and made me so sad in less than one minute.  I feel like this message of this video definitely needs to be shared, and so I am now sharing it with you.  I could go on and on about this message, but for now I will let the video tell the story and we can address this topic at a later date.  Take this powerful message to heart. 

Taking Things For Granted: Socks and My Sister

Today I was listening to a bunch of stories going around a room and there was one by a man who had been sitting quietly and decided to share his recent experience.  He was talking about how his bicycle had been broken and so he went to buy a replacement one as well as a pair of shoes (just your basic generic brand name shoes and some doctor prescribed socks).  He started adding everything up and realized that he did not have enough money to get anything and had to put the socks back because he had to have the bike for transportation and needed the shoes to be able to ride the bike, so the socks would have to be left behind.  Instead of feeling sad about this, he instead felt very thankful that he was able to afford the bicycle because he could not work or function without some form of transportation.  He was feeling joy at this gift in life.

I was sitting there listening to this story and it touched me to my very core.  I couldn't hold back my tears to even think about it.  I sit here and worry about so many stupid little things and this man can't even buy socks to wear with his shoes.  And he is happy for what he can afford instead, and feeling very thankful.  I was shamed that I could ever be living in a state that was not in constant gratitude because I have SO very much in life.  I know that I do my best to be thankful for all that I have when I can think on the times that I would have been happy with a quarter of what I have.  I wasn't needing anything for Christmas, I was so thankful to be able to give Liam what I could and was truly feeling bad that I could not provide more for him this year with all that has happened.  Although I have had my fair share of curve balls thrown at me, especially in this past year I have somehow managed to make it day by day, week by week, month by month, until here we are looking at a new year.  I have no idea how I have managed to afford some of the things that I have had to pay for, and I just send my thanks and my blessings out to the universe and am in gratitude for all of the amazing help that I receive in each moment.  I am so blessed that I only have to work one job to provide for my son, and that I am able to see him and spend time with him and feel comfortable in where he spends his day in the hours that we have to be apart.
I was overcome with thoughts of my sister more than anything.  I love my sister, I always have and I always will, but goodness knows we are polar opposites in almost everything in life.  we have lived together off and on since she was about 16 years old.  There have been good times, there have been bad times.  Somehow we always find a way to smile and joke and laugh our way back to happy times.  I know that in the last year and two I have been hard on her.  I am always making her mad for "trying to be her mother and not her sister."  I wish I knew how to be different with her.  I try really hard to be a better sister.  I am maternal at heart but I always think of her as one of my best friends.  I love her through thick and thin.  I was thinking about the stupid things that I have been mad at her for in the past and the things that we argue about and I felt so incredibly ashamed for some of the ways that I want my sister's thinking to be different than what it is.  For wanting her to see things through someone else's eyes.  I have always tried to push my own life's lessons onto her instead of really accepting her as who she is, no matter how hard it can be to watch.  I know that I worry about her more as a mom than a sister sometimes, I know that I can be the overbearing overprotective sister, I am the "party pooper" and the boring one.  I hate to see my sister in any pain at all, I always wish that I could take it all away and feel it for her and just see her be happy and free in life all of the time.  I have shamefully been envious of my sister at times.  I have felt that there was unfair advantages given to her for things that I worked so hard for so long to achieve.  I have wanted things to be "fair" to have been given the same punishments when growing up.  Whereas I would accept whatever punishment was given to me and serve it out, finding a way to own it and do what I wanted to do anyway, my sister would argue for days and get off virtually free in my eyes.  It was hard growing up seven years apart and having our own unique generation gap.  Somehow this man's story about socks made me think about all of these things and more.  I just sat there ashamed at myself for not being the sister that my own sister deserved to have.  I just wanted to break down and cry, as I am while I write this.  I just wanted to hug my sister and beg for her forgiveness to tell her that nothing in the past mattered that the only thing that mattered in life was that she was my sister and I loved her with all of my heart.  Although I did get to see my sister later in the day it was amidst chaos and I was able to convey at lest part of this message to her and hug her and tell her that I was truly sorry.  I am so thankful for that opportunity even if the emotions I felt then and that I feel now have no comparison in words....

To end the man's story he went to check out and before leaving the store, he was stopped by someone who handed him a shopping bag, inside of the bag was the pair of socks that he was unable to afford, and he was simply told that someone had purchased them for him.  He eyes filled with tears as he told this part, and I felt like I must be the most selfish person in the room.  I wanted to go out and buy everyone socks and hide out in stores to watch what people put back and anonymously buy them for them when they seem unable to get it themselves.  I wanted to give away so many of Liam's toys to someone who could better use them in mass amounts.  (I am still in search of a needy family for this purpose). 

Anyway to sum up this post, I just wanted to share how this man's story effected my way of thinking and my emotions and hope that maybe even one person can read it and feel the need to act as well. 
For after all this is the season for loving and giving to those in need.

My beautiful sister and I

Thankful

I have spent a lot of time this year, and especially today thinking about all of the things in my life that I am thankful for.  I wanted to share some of those precious things with you and let you know all that I am in gratitude for that have made an big impact on my 2013.

First and foremost Liam, my son, my #1 man, my rock, my heart, my world.  I never knew what love was until he came into my life.  I never knew for sure what my purpose was until I became his mother.  To love something completely before you even get to see it is amazing.  Watching him grow up into such a character with so much personality, and energy  but also compassion for others.  I am so proud to be Liam's mommy, and very blessed to have him brought into my life.

Then we come to my mother.  I am so happy that you were a young mother, that you were such an unselfish mother the whole time I was growing up even to your own detriment at times.  That you taught me kindness and love and showed me how to be a good mother.  That you have been able to be the type of mother that I consider to be my best friend, that we have been blessed to be such a big part of one anothers' lives.  I regret that we do not live closer, because I hate not being able to see you all of the time.  I am so happy that I get to see you next week, because we are too close to not see one another, and I want Liam to know his grandmother.

I am so very thankful for my daddy.  You can be a hard man to live with, but I would not choose any single other person in this world to call my father.  You have been in my life from the beginning.  You are an amazing and honorable man to love me as your own and to continue to love me regardless of divorce from mom.  You have always been my hero in life, from fireman, to green beret to grandfather.  You have made the 20+ hour trek to Texas at least once a year to spend time with us and it does not go unnoticed.  I have always had you to look up to, and many of my major decisions in life I have made based off of your intelligence and your example.  I remember you being worried that I wouldn't love you anymore when you and mom got divorced and I could not fathom how you could even ask me that question.  You are the only father my heart ever has and ever will love.  I always loved you and appreciated all that you have done for me, but it wasn't until becoming a single mother and dating and seeing the way men would interact with Liam or tell me their stance on "someone else's child" that I truly found appreciation in the selfless love that you and all of that side of the family has always shown me.  I have NEVER felt like I didn't belong with you all and I am so thankful for the closeness and love that I have known because I have had you in my life.  I will not EVER get married unless I can find someone who can love Liam and I the way that  you loved us.  

Of course my dear sister.  The only person that can drive my emotions onto a roller-coaster in mere seconds.  The friend I always wanted to be closer to, the sister I always worried about.  The person who has pushed every single limit and boundary I have and then tested them again.  I am thankful that we find a way to live close to one another even if we are far from home.  I am thankful for you being there for me and helping me with Liam when I was all alone.  I honestly don't know how I would have survived those first few months without you.  You have taught me so many lessons about life and I only ever hope to see you happy.  I know I am overprotective at times and worry too much and get constantly told to quit acting like your mother, but you are my dear sister and I would not be who I am in life without you to push me past my comfort zone.  You are my polar opposite in life, and I would not chose you to be another way.  I am thankful that no matter how mad you can make me, that I still love you.  Sometimes I wish that I could live life as freely as you do, but ultimately I am thankful for the moments when we can laugh and protect one another and I miss spending time together, the fleeting moments in recent times makes me miss my sister even when we live in the same city.  

My dog Kiri, I named you aptly for in many a dark time, you have been the sunlight that has shown through.  Before Liam, you helped me through very dark times in life.  You gave me purpose and reason.  Your ability to accommodate and become the 2nd best in life, is amazing.  I am thankful for your loyalty and your intelligence and that you are more bear than dog.  You make me smile and give me love all the time, unconditionally, and I am happy to be able to come home and always be loved no matter what has happened in life.  

My grandma Shirley, YOU ARE MY SALVATION.  Truly I cannot say anything deeper than that.  You have rescued me when I was drowning.  When I was at my lowest low, you were my anchor to help me come back to the surface.  You are the most selfless person I have and probably ever will meet in this life.  I live my life always hoping to repay you for all that you have done for me.  You are my example of what a true saint in life really is.  There truly are no words that can express the gratitude I feel in my heart, and I am so blessed to have you in my life, I love you so much.

My mentor, Bunny.  You have always shown me what a true example of self power can be.  The calm that is felt just in entering your house.  The way that a short talk with you can seem to solve so many unresolved issues is amazing.  You are so talented and gifted and caring.  I have learned so many amazing things from you, and I am sad that I do not get to feel the peace that I find in your presence more often.  I miss your energy in person and wish that I was closer to do more things like bring you flowers and drink tea and soak in the sunlight and bask in your wisdom.  You are such an amazing being.  

My cousins Savannah & Marie, I am so thankful that we are so close in age and got to grow up knowing one another.  I have recently been very sad that Liam does not have that, and does not know people in the family and be close like we were.  We have experienced things in life that no one ever will.  I don't think I have ever laughed as hard as I have in the presence of you both.  You have both taught me what being the short non-artistic cousin is like and how I can excel in other ways ;)  I will never know another driver quite like Marie, and never will I know another laugh as full of happiness as yours either.  With Savannah I will never be able to share a quirky humor that could be understand outside of us, or the love of dogs, and I am so thankful that we live within driving distance.  You have helped me escape and have been a wonderful :auntie: to Liam :)

I am so thankful for each and every family member in one way or another, I could write an entire book.  But I will be here all night.... to be continued...

My job, I am so thankful to have been lucky enough to stay within the same line of work for over 11 years now.  I have somehow escaped my degree thus far, but I do hope to return to school in 2014.  Even when I have a hard time going, it gives me the security that helps me to be the best mother that I can to Liam.  I am also very thankful for an amazing boss who has stood by me and fought for me when he didn't have to.  Who has helped me more than he will ever know and is a truly good person.  I am thankful for the timing of this job when I needed quickly out of a desperate situation and that I had a quick and easy transition to the other side of my office :)

I am thankful for the military for giving me skills and experiences that I would not have otherwise ever encountered in any other way.  And for life-changing people who have taught me many lessons in life good and bad.  I would not be me without those people.

I am thankful for my friends far and wide and never fully realized just HOW amazing and special my friends in life have been and how blessed I was until I moved here.  I wish I lived closer to at least one of you, because life is lonely without my amazing bonds.

I am thankful for the internet and social media to allow me to easily continue friendships from afar and to make new ones.

I am thankful for a car that gets me to work and where I need to go, and for the ability to have a roof over my head.  

I am thankful for music, that my music tastes are so wide and that I can listen to a vast amount of different things and not be so limited by a narrow mind.

I am thankful for books, that help me escape and teach me so many things, and give me things to look forward to.  

My sense of humor and the ability to find humor in SO many different things, and those few friend that I can share the worst of jokes with and know that you will laugh with me.

Netflix, which has been a savior in many ways.  

Movies: My love and obsession.

But most of all, I am thankful for the little things in life, I could be here all night.  But let me close with saying that I am thankful for opportunities that can somehow appear to be horrible disasters that are life changing and eye opening and really ways of saving yourself in a way that you would have never encountered before.  But really I am just THANKFUL to be alive and to have this opportunity at life.