Thoughts on Technology & Humanity

When we moved from the sword to the gun, did we lose some of our humanity? Is gun use less personal? And are those using guns less skilled and ethical then earlier warriors who used the sword or bow?

In order to answer this question, one must define humanity.  Humanity can be defined as: the quality or state of being humane; the quality or state of being human; the branches of learning that investigate human constructs and concerns; the human race; whereas humane is defined as: kind or gentle to people or animals (Miriam-Webster 2014).  In that sense I would say that no, we did not lose some of our humanity; in some sense you could even go so far as to say that guns became more humane.  Many sword injuries do not result in an instant death or even a quick one, unless through beheading, which usually was not accomplished in one fell swoop.  Killing is still killing regardless of what weapon is being wielded. 

I honestly think that that a weapon being more or less personal has more to do with each individual and their values and beliefs, as well as their cultural and societal values and beliefs.  As a society death has become less personal and valuable.  We may have more humane ways of killing death row inmates with lethal injections, but that involves someone in another room pushing the buttons to activate the series of injections for a quick and low pain type of death.  If we are to take a look at earlier methods such as a firing squad, one could argue the humanity, but one could not argue the fact that it was much more personal to line up and look someone in the eyes and shoot them; whether or not the shooter knew which bullet was the one to deal the killing blow.  I do not see how this is less personable than a sniper.  Never having been a sniper myself, I can attest to those around me in the personal way in which they have felt and relived each and every death that has come as a result of their weapon being fired.  They watch many of these shots and aftermaths for kill assessment through a scope, but they image and those memories never leave them.  The same can be said for Drones, just because they may be classified as a “game” environment, does not mean that if it less personal.  Many people are now being classified as having PTSD from the images on those screens, in a drone situation you are there to watch and get a BDA (battle damage assessment), you can be made to watch helplessly if any bombs go astray or if your own people are being shot and killed by the enemy.  Again, skills and ethics have to do with the individual wielding a weapon, not the actual weapon itself. 

References

Miriam-Webster. (2014). http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/humanity

Technology vs Science

There were a couple of thought provoking discussion questions in this past week that I thought were worthy of sharing with my geek fans, and anyone else that is interested in reading about it.  Due to the use of some other sources, I will note those for anyone interested in taking a closer look.  Please feel free to add your 2 cents in to the comments.


To discuss with would be a better choice from my point of view, I first want to talk about how technology stimulates Science, and vice versa.

How does technology stimulate science?

Technology stimulates scientific discovery in many ways.  One of the ways in which it can stimulate scientific discovery is by proving or disproving scientific theories, as was the case with the steam injector.  The steam injector patented by Henri Giffard, showed that the caloric theory of heat was not as all-encompassing as previously thought.  Giffard based his injector on the Bernoulli principle of pressure and velocity.  The result was that Giffard’s steam injector was supporting proof of the then unpopular kinetic theory of heat.  The steam injector was able to show that one theory of heat was more accurate than another.   As stated by Volti, the steam injector was “an example of a technology that worked even though existing scientific principles did not completely explain its operation.”

According to Volti, “Technological development also plays a vital role in scientific advance by supplying devices and instruments that are essential for scientific inquiry.”   The 3-D printer is one of many examples of this, with its almost limitless possibilities.  NASA is currently doing testing on a 3-D printer to enable it to be used on the Space Station.   Greenemeier states that “The ability to resupply far from Earth would give such a vessel the ability to carry out longer, deep-space missions.”  If this is the case, than this particular technological device would allow for even more scientific advancements to take place.  Increased time in space, and the ability to go further, could lead to a myriad of new discoveries.  Although science is reliant upon technological creations for advancement, technology would be just as crippled without science.

Technology and science work hand in hand, in a cycle of reliability.  “Both are based on the gathering of knowledge, and they both advance through the cumulative development of that knowledge.”  Scientific advancements today are reliant upon previous technology, which was reliant upon even earlier scientific advancements, and so on.  This was shown clearly in the studying of genetics with the use of the technological tool of medical image analysis.  Without the scientific need for analysis this technology would not have been created, let alone advanced to the state that it is now.  In turn by using this advanced technology, it was able to once again affect scientific advancement.  The scientist Woo Suk Hwong claimed in 2004 that he had successfully cloned a human embryonic stem cell.  However as shown by Understanding Science, “through the close scrutiny of images in his published work that appeared to be duplicated and manipulated, this so-called breakthrough was revealed to be a fraud.”   Without technology, the scientific advancement that is this study, and resulting inventions, with regards to genetics today, would not have been possible.

Would you choose a scientific discovery or technological invention?

The answer to this question was easy for me; I would of course choose to invent a technology.  From the days of my youth, and my dream of one day becoming a marine biologist, I learned a lot about biology and science.  I also learned that it was not for me.  Science revolves around theorems…  These can change so drastically with time and be completely dis-proven after decades and even centuries of pouring one-self into the work.  The steam injector that I used in the scientific advancement discussion is one such example.  As stated by Volti, the steam injector was “an example of a technology that worked even though existing scientific principles did not completely explain its operation.”  The steam injector laughed in the face of the caloric theory and brought the kinetic theory of heat out as the winner that we still rely on today. 

Discovering something doesn’t mean that it will be useful now or ever.  Just the simple act of discovery is not enough.  Without a complimentary technology that can utilize the scientific discovery and make it work, it will never be able to reach its potential as a successful discovery.  Many scientific discoveries take so long to be realized as useful, that the person that discovered them cannot be a part of reveling in the glory of its impact on the world.  Volti declares “Whereas science is directed at the discovery of knowledge for its own sake, technology develops and employs knowledge in order to get something done.”  Therefore, an invention has the opportunity to bring a use to the world, and add more than just a resource. 

Technology can be accomplished on at least some sort of a schedule.  A technological project can be laid out on paper and in worksheets and plan for the end of a beta version of the technology.   These steps can be broken down and in turn show a final project and allow for plans to improve upon the technology.  However when it comes to scientific discovery, as affirmed by Volti, “Scientific research, especially when directed at the discovery of basic principles, is an uncertain endeavor that cannot be guided by schedules and routinized procedures.”  As an analytical thinker, I would much prefer being able to intimately know the project I was working on and be able to create something useful to add to the world, this is why I choose a technological invention. 

Does Technology Stimulate Science?

I also utilized the book Society and Technological Change (7th ed.) by Rudi Volti. 

Insight Into My Worklife

In case anyone is interested in knowing a little bit of the mysticism surrounding me at work, I wanted to share this with you.  I don't talk about work very often but when I had to write about a difficult challenge I had faced I ended up resorting to one of many projects I have worked on in the past. Let me know some of your challenging situations if you are open to share, whether work related or not.  Here is one of mine:

As a contractor working on a military education and training base I was tasked with being the Subject Matter Expert (SME) for the main Application Exercise (APEX) for the students. This exercise tests the previously learned skills of the students to ensure that they have actually learned what they needed to out of the 6 month training course to go out into the operational Air Force.  During this time I was asked to combine a previous 3 Day Exercise with a 6 day exercise, turning it into a 9 day exercise that was synchronized and flowed easily, as well as to update the information from static dates of 2008 to static dates of 2011.  Although both exercises featured the same countries in play they were both created by different people and taken from different sources using various dates.  During initial creation they were intended to be separate stand-alone exercises.  This was a massive task that was assigned solely to me intended to be done with the combination of multiple companies and several people.  Due to the reassessment of personnel I ended up doing the majority of the work single-handedly on behalf of the company I worked for.  To add onto the massive project there was a timeline of 3-6 months in order to have the project completed on time for the re-write of the course that I was supporting as all material had to be completed at the same time for it to be approved and signed off on by the military.  The end result was 1042 pieces of message traffic for a day and night shift as well as a plethora of products (imagery, tracking products, PowerPoint briefings, etc.)  I can also throw in the fact that I was in my 2^nd and 3^rd trimester of my pregnancy with my first child as a single mother during this time.  Needless to say this was a daunting task, but it was one that I welcomed with open arms.  I love nothing more than to be faced with a challenge that I can shape into the best work I can accomplish.  Initially I had to start with figuring out what needed to be included in this project, the resources that I could utilize (as this was a classified exercise and not all resources are readily available) and the timeline that I had to work with.  I worked first on scrubbing (going through and seeing what was still relevant, what needed deleting, what needed changing) the message traffic.  After this I had to make personal contact with resources (personnel and websites) around the military that had worked with similar information and countries.  I had to use quite a combination of finesse and effective communication/people skills over the phone, and through email to get pointed in the right direction.  This was ongoing for many months to get the full range resources and the knowledge that was needed.  I had to come up with the best time management and most effective method of accomplishing all of these things.  Halfway through the project my timeline was cut from having 6 months remaining, to 3 months remaining.  I put in many overtime hours and was able to get all of the products including plotting over a thousand forces on Falconview (a computer based map of the military forces in play).  I had to constantly keep up communication between companies involved to ensure that both sides were synchronized in timing of events, visualization and messages that were dependent upon one another.  During this time I created many new products, still utilized years later, to help any teaching instructors to understand the exercise, and to be able to effectively teach the exercise with the best result of learning and knowledge absorption for the students during the hardest tasks they will face yet in the course.  Although many of my solutions to this problem took on a creative tone, it wasn’t until most of the time consuming work was done that I came up with the best solution yet.  My most creative solution to this monumental task was to take all of the work that I had previously accomplished and put myself in the shoes of the student, to try to envision myself as the audience that would be presented with and tested on this material and see it from their eyes.  I wanted this exercise which had now become my baby to be the most effective and most beneficial 9 days that they could be faced with at the end of their training.  I went through the exercise and acted as though I was in charge of all of the groups at once (during a normal class the students are broken up into 5-6 separate groups to track different aspects of the military forces (Air, Ground, Navy, Defensive Missiles, Special Ops/Ballistic Missiles).  I went through all of the visualizations; I read through each piece of message traffic (multiple times) and I acted as though I was one of the students.  I took each of these groups and I created student products of PowerPoint briefing to track the forces and to brief to the instructors, I moved the forces along with the traffic to ensure that force structure and amounts were adding up to where they should.  I had to track along and ensure that events would follow likely TTP (Tactics, Techniques and Procedures) for my target countries.   I had to be sure that this exercise was as realistic as possible given the static dates that were chosen.  From this creative solution I caught multiple minute force structure and number discrepancies that would not have been as clear otherwise.  In so doing, I was able to save credibility of the exercise when it came to the scrutiny of an actual running class as well as many man hours searching through for these discrepancies after the fact.   This also allowed me to ensure that I could confidently hand over this finished product to the military for validation and official release as an exercise that would be utilized according the military training standards across the Air Force.  I was also able to come up with number and force structure cheat sheets for the instructors to utilize for the beginning and end of each exercise day so that the instructors were able to adequately gauge the status of their students’ ability to keep track of what was going on in the exercise and better assess their finalized briefings.

Pregnant me about a month before my son was born

Random Liam Moments from the Past Month

Liam has had some great random moments recently and just thought that I would share some of them with you to make you chuckle like I did, and perhaps you can make some comments on them as well :)  Comments are always welcome :)  Welcome to motherhood of a now 3 year old boy.

*When Liam woke up from his nap earlier today he had gotten out his photo album from his 2 year old class and had it beside the bed since he must have been looking at it to fall asleep, I thought that this was cute and put it away, when I went to lay him down for bed tonight he lifted up his pillow and had taken two picture of just himself out and had put them under his pillow.... I have no idea what to think about this haha. At least he was happy in both pictures, maybe he wanted to be happy in his dreams, any ideas? (Perhaps he got it from Lilo & Stitch)

*Liam is currently eating his mandarin oranges by picking up an orange with his fingers placing it on the top of the fork, bringing the fork to his mouth and then picking up the orange with his fingers and putting it into his mouth..... there's got to be a better way haha

 

*

Liam just told me he was hungry for a burger and I told him we needed to eat healthier now that the holidays were over. He said "ok I want a cupcake" haha. Lesser of two evils I guess haha

Liam has learned to say "excuse me" after he burps, and today he started telling me that it came from his tummy haha.  

Liam has to hug and kiss both the dog and cat multiple times before bed and also say goodnight to the moon and stars.

Liam has decided that he likes tea in addition to cocoa now :)

 We ordered the stuff this evening and Liam and I will soon begin making out own bubble tea at home yay.  Honeydew is our first flavor.  

Liam prefers his cheap construction trucks to his trains :(  Stupid expensive Thomas haha

Liam has started learning words to songs he hears repeatedly and sings along zealously, especially songs from movies, and he makes up the parts he doesn't know, just like the rest of us haha

Despicable Me 2 has been the reigning champion of the house along with Bolt, Wall-E and Airplanes....  he hasn't even wanted to watch anything on Netflix lately it's crazy...  George still takes over every night before bedtime though.

When grandma was here visiting she rocked Liam to sleep one night and now every night after being put into bed, Liam will come out into the living room with a blanket and want to rock for a few minutes and then he is good and will go climb back into bed and go to sleep.  I don't mind it at all because I was sad when he stopped wanting to be rocked and it lets me hold him close and snuggle him a little bit more :)

 Liam refuses to wear any shoes except for his Cars shoes that light up.  The only way that I can get him to wear another pair of shoes is if he is still asleep when I go to get him dressed for school and I can sneak some on him and get him out to the car before he knows what's going on. 

Liam seems to only crave pizza, burgers and chocolate right now.  He will still eat other things, but that is all he asks for and the occasional cupcake ;)

My song for the day

 

Pregnancy Facts

I got asked to share some facts about my pregnancy this evening and it really got me to thinking.  I wanted to share the ones I did already share and add to it, in honor of Liam's 3rd birthday party being today and thinking about how far we have come as a family in all of that time.  Taking me back to before he was born.  Enjoy!  I would love to hear your pregnancy facts if you don't mind sharing.

6 and a half months pregnant

1. I didn't find out I was pregnant until my 16th week
2. I found out I was having a boy 3 days after finding out I was pregnant
3. I knew immediately upon finding out that I was going to be a single mom
4. I had to go to work after this shocking revelation and was crying at work so much because I thought that there was no way that I would be able to do this
5.  I never thought that I would ever have kids
6.  Less than a week before I found out I was pregnant I told my grandma all that she would ever get from me were grandbabies
7.  I never had morning sickness
8.  I didn't start showing until I was almost 7 months along
9. I used to freak out about sleeping on my back so badly and cutting off Liam's air that I would be afraid to fall asleep
10.  When I would fall asleep I would sometimes wake up on my back and lay away all night on my side afraid that I was going to hurt him.
11. I got asthmatic bronchitis so bad when I was almost 9 months pregnant that I had to be rushed to the emergency room when I was unable to breathe
12. the next week after going to the ER I was unable to breath again but instead went to the medicenter.  The doctor told me that if I would have waited another hour or more to be seen that I probably would have stopped breathing completely and would have died.
13. I was so happy that Liam was a boy and not a girl because I was worried about my complete inability to do a little girl's hair haha
14. No one in my office believed me that my baby was going to be mixed
15.  Due to the movies Due Date and Get Him to the Greek, Liam was dubbed zebra baby and I used to be serenaded and sing along to There's an African Child Inside Me"
16. I have never felt so alone and so sad in my life as when I was pregnant and had no family near me.
17.  I moved when I was 8 an a half months pregnant, it was awful
18. Liam was almost born 2 weeks early due to a low birth weight and my fluid levels dropping dramatically (most likely caused to the treatment I had to undergo for the bronchitis)
19. In the last week before Liam was born my doctor went back and forth at least twice a day about whether or not I was going to be having a C-Section or a natural birth.  He ended up being a preemie born 2 weeks early.
20. I never knew what love was until the moment I realized that I really was going to be a mother and many months before Liam was brought into this world.

21. I went through a lot of names before I made a choice, but the final four were Orion, Nyx, Connor and Liam.  My mom hated the name Nyx and kept telling me it sounded dark.  I went to high school with someone named Connor and ended up vetoing it because I wasn't no predisposition on the name of my son.  I was fairly sure that I was going to go with Orion instead of Liam until the last few weeks, when Liam seemed to be the chosen name.
22.  During my pregnancy I swear they played 80% of commercials about pregnant women and their significant other out doing things for them.  I used to cry hysterically in realization about how completely alone I was in this and that I didn't even have someone to go to the store and buy me some m&ms.  (The stupid M&M one played constantly with the guy asking if she wanted something sweet or salty when they were pushing for the pretzel m&ms, it made me cry every time)
23.  In the beginning of my pregnancy I was called a lot and yelled at for ruining someone's life and for choosing to not have an abortion. 
24.  I was very happy that I was having a boy, even though my first thought was that I wanted a girl.
25. I was really worried that there would be something wrong with Liam, since I didn't know I was pregnant for so long and had consumed alcohol.  I had a lot of tests done to check for all kinds of abnormalities.  Luckily all of them came back negative.
26.  I fount out I was pregnant by going to get an IUD put in and they make you do a pregnancy test just in case and it came back positive.  At that point I thought that I was at most 5 or 6 weeks along.
27.  An ultrasound came back showing I was 16 weeks pregnant.  I was crying so much and in such shock that the nurses and doctor felt so bad for me that they didn't charge me for my visit.
28.   I didn't have any craving for foods that I didn't already eat but I did need to eat ice cream at least once a day most days more.  My freezer used to be so stocked with about 10 flavors a time at all times.
29.  I had an aversion to citrus, if I drank or ate too many high citric foods I would get horrible heart burn.
30.  I had never had heart burn in my life and was at work on night shift the first time that I was overcome with heartburn.  I felt such an intense pain that I called my mom and asked her what it would feel like if I was having a stroke haha.
31.  I don't get heart burn since, but I do start to feel sick if I have too much citrus even after my pregnancy.
32.  I could NOT sleep on my side.  I tried every freakin' body pillow I could find and they just made it worse.  I had horrible sleep for my entire third trimester.
33. I was so worried about getting stretch marks that I did intensive research into how to avoid them and ended up going with coconut oil that I would rub extensively on my belly 3 times a day.  I did get stretch marks but not anywhere that I had put the coconut oil. 
34. I would even cry at movies like Knocked Up because even though the movie was jacked up and supposed to be a comedy, the child's father wanted to be a part of the baby's life and made an effort.
35.  I would drive to work and hear a song that would make me revel in how much I already loved Liam and would end up crying with absolutely no understanding as to how he could have a father that didn't love him in the same way.
36.  I would also be immensely sad about the fact that I would have to explain to Liam why there was just me one day.  However, given my own situation I felt that it was no accident and that I would be well equipped to relate in many ways to it.  I kept hoping that I would find someone who could become his father and be a good male role model for him before he reached the age of caring and feeling animosity otherwise...
37. I thought that when I found out that Liam was a boy that I would have to fight to have him take my last name and was pleasantly surprised when the other party had no desire to give him his own last name.  Given my experience with men wanting to carry on their line and family name. 
38.  At the end of my pregnancy I only weighed about 26 or 27 pounds more than when I first found out.
39.  I always had to wear an orange medical bracelet to every doctor's appointment and every nurse in labor and delivery knew me as the anesthesia girl due to my malignant hyperthermia and inability to take many local anesthetics. 
40.  Before my final week I went in to a doctor's appointment and was 3 weeks out from Liam's due date when there was a scare and they almost made me go emergency C-Section.  I remember that my last meal I was going to have at that point was a Burger Barn burger and fries haha.  My mother was frantically doing what she could to make sure that she would be in the delivery room with me.
41.  I attempted to sign up for 4 different birthing classes when I was told by each one in their own way that without a partner I was not welcome and would make other people in the classes uncomfortable, as they were really only designed to have both parties or a birthing partner present in order to attend. 
42.  I didn't attend a single birthing class and read numerous things online and purchased many books because I had no idea what the heck I was doing.  Thinking I was never going to have kids in life I was completely clueless about birth and very scared haha. 
43.  I went for a walk with Kiri at least 6 times a week and tried to cherish each moment as the last that we would have together with her as my one and only.
44.  I did Hip Hop Abs (low impact only) during my entire pregnancy and had awesome obliques up until the end.
45. In my cluelessness I had no idea how maternity leave worked and thought that I would get to take time off before the baby was born to prepare and was rudely awakened when I found out that I was meant to work up until the last moment
46.  I remember feeling Liam kick and think about how awesome it was and immediately crying because I had no one to share it with.
47.  So many guys told me during my pregnancy that they wished it was their baby that I was somewhat freaked out.  When I was being told how they would handle things and how they wished they had gotten me pregnant to be in my life forever...  I finally resolved to take it as an interesting compliment.
48.  I was constantly being told by people (especially at work) what I could not do now that i was pregnant.  The number one thing I was told was that I should not wear heels and that I wasn't allowed.  I wore my heels up until the last day (My doctor has absolutely no problem with it as long as it was not uncomfortable to me)
49.  I never knew how many people would interject themselves into my life and tell me what to do with mine until I got pregnant.  So many people that I didn't even know without ever being asked would tell me their own helpful tidbits about life and parenthood.

50.  When I found out I was having a boy my first concern was that I wouldn't know how to teach him to pee standing up and that I would fail as a mother....  although Liam is potty trained now, we are still working on perfecting this skill.  

Thankful

I have spent a lot of time this year, and especially today thinking about all of the things in my life that I am thankful for.  I wanted to share some of those precious things with you and let you know all that I am in gratitude for that have made an big impact on my 2013.

First and foremost Liam, my son, my #1 man, my rock, my heart, my world.  I never knew what love was until he came into my life.  I never knew for sure what my purpose was until I became his mother.  To love something completely before you even get to see it is amazing.  Watching him grow up into such a character with so much personality, and energy  but also compassion for others.  I am so proud to be Liam's mommy, and very blessed to have him brought into my life.

Then we come to my mother.  I am so happy that you were a young mother, that you were such an unselfish mother the whole time I was growing up even to your own detriment at times.  That you taught me kindness and love and showed me how to be a good mother.  That you have been able to be the type of mother that I consider to be my best friend, that we have been blessed to be such a big part of one anothers' lives.  I regret that we do not live closer, because I hate not being able to see you all of the time.  I am so happy that I get to see you next week, because we are too close to not see one another, and I want Liam to know his grandmother.

I am so very thankful for my daddy.  You can be a hard man to live with, but I would not choose any single other person in this world to call my father.  You have been in my life from the beginning.  You are an amazing and honorable man to love me as your own and to continue to love me regardless of divorce from mom.  You have always been my hero in life, from fireman, to green beret to grandfather.  You have made the 20+ hour trek to Texas at least once a year to spend time with us and it does not go unnoticed.  I have always had you to look up to, and many of my major decisions in life I have made based off of your intelligence and your example.  I remember you being worried that I wouldn't love you anymore when you and mom got divorced and I could not fathom how you could even ask me that question.  You are the only father my heart ever has and ever will love.  I always loved you and appreciated all that you have done for me, but it wasn't until becoming a single mother and dating and seeing the way men would interact with Liam or tell me their stance on "someone else's child" that I truly found appreciation in the selfless love that you and all of that side of the family has always shown me.  I have NEVER felt like I didn't belong with you all and I am so thankful for the closeness and love that I have known because I have had you in my life.  I will not EVER get married unless I can find someone who can love Liam and I the way that  you loved us.  

Of course my dear sister.  The only person that can drive my emotions onto a roller-coaster in mere seconds.  The friend I always wanted to be closer to, the sister I always worried about.  The person who has pushed every single limit and boundary I have and then tested them again.  I am thankful that we find a way to live close to one another even if we are far from home.  I am thankful for you being there for me and helping me with Liam when I was all alone.  I honestly don't know how I would have survived those first few months without you.  You have taught me so many lessons about life and I only ever hope to see you happy.  I know I am overprotective at times and worry too much and get constantly told to quit acting like your mother, but you are my dear sister and I would not be who I am in life without you to push me past my comfort zone.  You are my polar opposite in life, and I would not chose you to be another way.  I am thankful that no matter how mad you can make me, that I still love you.  Sometimes I wish that I could live life as freely as you do, but ultimately I am thankful for the moments when we can laugh and protect one another and I miss spending time together, the fleeting moments in recent times makes me miss my sister even when we live in the same city.  

My dog Kiri, I named you aptly for in many a dark time, you have been the sunlight that has shown through.  Before Liam, you helped me through very dark times in life.  You gave me purpose and reason.  Your ability to accommodate and become the 2nd best in life, is amazing.  I am thankful for your loyalty and your intelligence and that you are more bear than dog.  You make me smile and give me love all the time, unconditionally, and I am happy to be able to come home and always be loved no matter what has happened in life.  

My grandma Shirley, YOU ARE MY SALVATION.  Truly I cannot say anything deeper than that.  You have rescued me when I was drowning.  When I was at my lowest low, you were my anchor to help me come back to the surface.  You are the most selfless person I have and probably ever will meet in this life.  I live my life always hoping to repay you for all that you have done for me.  You are my example of what a true saint in life really is.  There truly are no words that can express the gratitude I feel in my heart, and I am so blessed to have you in my life, I love you so much.

My mentor, Bunny.  You have always shown me what a true example of self power can be.  The calm that is felt just in entering your house.  The way that a short talk with you can seem to solve so many unresolved issues is amazing.  You are so talented and gifted and caring.  I have learned so many amazing things from you, and I am sad that I do not get to feel the peace that I find in your presence more often.  I miss your energy in person and wish that I was closer to do more things like bring you flowers and drink tea and soak in the sunlight and bask in your wisdom.  You are such an amazing being.  

My cousins Savannah & Marie, I am so thankful that we are so close in age and got to grow up knowing one another.  I have recently been very sad that Liam does not have that, and does not know people in the family and be close like we were.  We have experienced things in life that no one ever will.  I don't think I have ever laughed as hard as I have in the presence of you both.  You have both taught me what being the short non-artistic cousin is like and how I can excel in other ways ;)  I will never know another driver quite like Marie, and never will I know another laugh as full of happiness as yours either.  With Savannah I will never be able to share a quirky humor that could be understand outside of us, or the love of dogs, and I am so thankful that we live within driving distance.  You have helped me escape and have been a wonderful :auntie: to Liam :)

I am so thankful for each and every family member in one way or another, I could write an entire book.  But I will be here all night.... to be continued...

My job, I am so thankful to have been lucky enough to stay within the same line of work for over 11 years now.  I have somehow escaped my degree thus far, but I do hope to return to school in 2014.  Even when I have a hard time going, it gives me the security that helps me to be the best mother that I can to Liam.  I am also very thankful for an amazing boss who has stood by me and fought for me when he didn't have to.  Who has helped me more than he will ever know and is a truly good person.  I am thankful for the timing of this job when I needed quickly out of a desperate situation and that I had a quick and easy transition to the other side of my office :)

I am thankful for the military for giving me skills and experiences that I would not have otherwise ever encountered in any other way.  And for life-changing people who have taught me many lessons in life good and bad.  I would not be me without those people.

I am thankful for my friends far and wide and never fully realized just HOW amazing and special my friends in life have been and how blessed I was until I moved here.  I wish I lived closer to at least one of you, because life is lonely without my amazing bonds.

I am thankful for the internet and social media to allow me to easily continue friendships from afar and to make new ones.

I am thankful for a car that gets me to work and where I need to go, and for the ability to have a roof over my head.  

I am thankful for music, that my music tastes are so wide and that I can listen to a vast amount of different things and not be so limited by a narrow mind.

I am thankful for books, that help me escape and teach me so many things, and give me things to look forward to.  

My sense of humor and the ability to find humor in SO many different things, and those few friend that I can share the worst of jokes with and know that you will laugh with me.

Netflix, which has been a savior in many ways.  

Movies: My love and obsession.

But most of all, I am thankful for the little things in life, I could be here all night.  But let me close with saying that I am thankful for opportunities that can somehow appear to be horrible disasters that are life changing and eye opening and really ways of saving yourself in a way that you would have never encountered before.  But really I am just THANKFUL to be alive and to have this opportunity at life.

Torn Apart: Thoughts from a place of Confusion and Pain

When I was going through some hard things in my latest relationship I wanted to get some of those things out of my head and onto paper.  Afterwards I felt much better and ended up giving the relationship a second chance.  Although things failed, I didn't feel like everything was wrong when we were a part any more.  I felt at peace and free.  I felt an immense stress relief.  I am not here to talk bad about anyone or talk about what did or did not happen.  But I am comfortable sharing my thoughts from a previous time as I can healthily read them now and fe
el no attachment to them.  They are behind me now and I have found the closure that I need.  I am at peace with myself and my single situation in a whole new way.   I apologize for the possible lack of organization, I just had to get them out of me when I first wrote them.  They are recorded here as they were written, raw and the bearing of my soul.  I would love to hear your thoughts or comments.  Thank you!

Torn Apart

Feeling empty
Feeling lost
Feeling hurt and confused
Feels wrong to thevery core
I know things are over
But everything feels wrong
Feels like such a tragedy
A great love story lost in the chapters
How can I finally be awakened and lit from within
Only to have that flame extinguished so quickly
How can you fit into my family and then leave it all behind so easily
How can you hide so much and expect understanding shrouded in secrecy?
Professing marital and familial intention which you can not even begin to live up to in actions
I allowed myself to begin to hope and to dream and to feel love again
Your destruction of trust and inactivity, no movement towards repairing broken promises past words
Disregard for feelings and emotions of those you claim to call your family
Cook and clean and love and care for you
Only asking love and truth in truth and respect in return
To be sold short, to give so many chances to correct mistakes
Always allowing for the benefit of the doubt that never seems to coem to fruitation
To proclaim you want us in your life amidst continual broken promises
No action to mend what has been broken
I sit with open arms and heart
Tears newly wet on my face
How can you turn your back and say nothing
Just walk away silently
We allowed you into our hearts, our home, our family, our lives
You actions feel significantly short of the promise of your words
At least be man enough to admit defeat
When you will not stand and fight for us
I can't stay in limbo, allowing new tears upon my face and rips throughout my heart
To wipe away Liam's tears when he wonders where you are
To tell him you are gone
To hurt so much I lose appetite and sleep
It is all merely a casual affair
Nothing close tot he commitment you pretended
-Hurt, Confused, HeartBroken


*As you can see at this point I was not ready to let go, but the second chance showed me that things only had begun in the downward spiral and would continue to get worse.  I am thankful for the chance to have had my eyes open and my heart sealed to have been able to find the closure I so desperately needed to be able to move on.   I do not think of him as a horrible person, there were a lot of good things, but also many things with I cannot compromise on or allow as an example to my son and the disrespect to me and my family was too great.  It destroyed the love that I had for him.  I will never forget but I can move forward confidently and with respect for myself and love for my son.

Government Shutdown Contemplations

My post title may be a bit misleading as I am not really here to talk about anything overly political.  Rather I am here to share my thoughts on the ripple effect that politics and consequently the government shutdown has had around me and how easily this situation could really escalate into something much worse. 
I was very thankful to no longer be a government employee when all of this started happening and I know so many people that were to be and still are affected by the shut down.  I found myself incredibly thankful to be a NAF (non-appropriated funds) worker.
The day of the shutdown is when it seemed to have the most impact on me mentally.  I was scrolling down my facebook newsfeed and just reading through the fears and prayers and anger and frustration and a whole range of emotions felt by my friends each directly and indirectly affected by this issue in some way or another after the furlough letters went out. 
Of course it was being covered by the news networks but I remember thinking how petty the news was when so many people were about to go without pay for an undetermined amount of time and all the news seemed to care about was the fact the museums and national parks were going to be closed and how this could affect the weddings that were planned to take place at them (mainly national parks).  Although I am sure that if it were my wedding that I would have felt a little more slighted, but being that it was not I felt that this was such a travesty to parade around a couple who seemed more excited about being on tv than upset about the need to change their venue for their wedding.  Why were they not interviewing the national park workers, or museum workers, or countless other government employees that had no idea how long it would be before they brought home a paycheck to take care of their families. 
I started to have intense flashbacks to when I had been previously unemployed and the emotions that I felt at the time.  I remembered how scary it was and how powerless you felt when you would do everything in your power and it still didn't seem to be enough, how quickly bills would stack up and you would find yourself doing things like donating plasma just to pay for gas and food.  now I know that for the majority of the furloughed workers that things have not escalated to the point that they did with me, but how far off are they?  With the American economy in a slump for so many years it has left the majority of people in a water treading type of financial situation.  Some have excelled and others are constantly aflounder relying on paycheck to paycheck to stay afloat.  After many of these currently furloughed workers previously losing 20% of their pay for about 5 weeks in a row less than a month ago, I can only imagine the toll that this is taking on their mental state. 
It was sometime amidst this thought process that I heard that the commissary (the on base military grocery store) would be closing after that night for the duration of the furlough.  Already in need of a couple staple items I figured it would be best to try to head over and get what I could while it was open.  Although our commissary at the base here is not a very big one it was a mad dash for each item.  Lots of shelves were bare and there was mass chaos ensuing at every aisle as the stress and frustration had found it's way into the grocery store.  I grabbed one of the last packets of hamburger meat and proceeded on to other items that I required and kept looking around and many bare spots within the shelves.  All that I could think about was that it was reminiscent of a natural disaster and what if things escalated and we could not go out to off-base grocery stores, what if they looked the same and I would be utterly unprepared.  Would we still have electricity?  would I be able to make use of my freezer and fridge items?  How long would I really have before all of that food expired on me and I was left to rely on what was in my pantry?
Having grown up in Montana the concept of food storage was not a foreign thing to me.  There would be many times when the threat of being snowed in for a few days or more was a very real thing.  You never knew how long you would need to be prepared for and so we always had a stockpile of dried and canned goods.  Since moving to Texas I have had to start over from scratch and have moved every year in the last four years.  Also I have lived alone the majority of the time, with small stints of my sister coming and going.  Because of this, I have never fully gotten a very lengthy supply of any pantry items.  I honestly don't think that I could survive for more than a couple of weeks (and that's stretching it) if I had to.  I really feel like I need to be better prepared for anything. 
Times like this bring out the fear and consequently the frustration and anger in people.  These can be dangerous times.  I keep thinking that now would be the time that an active shooter scenario that we have seen at Fort Hood and the recent navy yard could easily be just about anyone that has been put into this trying situation. 
I pray for the safety and peace of mind for all of the brothers and sisters in arms and in our nation during this time of strife.  I also pray for the politicians to soften their hearts and their minds to come to the most benevolent decision for our country.  I pray that they can put our country first and personal agendas first.  Service before self is not happening here.  If we are not careful we will turn ourselves into a third world country.  We have to stand together as a nation, because without the strength of unity we are weak when divided and when divided we shall fall.  I wish that I could replace the anger and the fear and hatred in the hearts of our leaders and our citizens with love for something.  Whether it be this great nation we live in and die for or for the reason we all came here in the first place and the reasons we choose to remain when we have a vast amount of other countries to chose from, we remain here in what we call home.  Right now we need to take care of our home, tend our own lawns, come together as a people.  We need to spread the feeling of love, whether it be in a simple gesture of something more grandeur.  We need to worry about ourselves and fix what is wrong at home in our country.  Politics has become a bad marriage and we are the children that can be damaged for life if their is no reconciliation and this marriage is torn apart.  Where is the marriage counseling here?  Where is the love that all sides had in their hearts to make this nation great, keep it great and the pride to continue to grow in greatness?  We seem to have lost some of ourselves as a nation in the greed for whatever vices we hold.  We need to find the love, the pride, the unity that makes us what we are as Americans...

I could go on for quite some time, but I think that my point has been made, and I have gotten across the message that I wanted to send.  I send love and light to all of my fellow Americans no matter how weak or strong and I hope that we can all stand together and hold the hands of those next to us to help our Nation rise up to the greatness she can be.  We are all powerful as one.

Racist Cereal Commercial Contemplations

Today I was asked by a friend if I would do a blog on the "controversial" Cheerios commercial.  Not having already seen this commercial I went out to YouTube and found it.  I had heard from other people about the backlash surrounding the commercial so before watching it I was expecting something completely different from what I actually ended up seeing.

In case you have not already seen the commercial, it is about a biracial family.  A white mother, a mixed daughter and a black father.  The adorable little girl asks her mom if it's true that Cheerios are good for your heart.  One her mom says yes the little girl pours a bunch of cereal on top of her dad's heart (over his shirt) while he is taking a nap on the couch.  The only possible racist thing that I could think of in this commercial was the fact that African American men are more likely to be diagnosed with heart disease than white men.  However, I still don't view this as racist as it is a medical fact.

This commercial was viewed more in anger with racism due to the fact that it was a white woman and a black man as parents to the mixed little girl.

As a mother to a mixed son myself I do not understand this way of thinking.  It is very fear and ignorance based.  I was not raised to look at people by the color of their skin, but by their character.  This sort of thinking is not doing anything to progress us as humans in this world.  I have never been able to understand this, not having been raised around it.  In case you have never seen a picture of my son Liam, he is quite a few shades darker than I am.  However I think that we have quite a few facial features in common.  I do come across this racism quite often in the constant questioning about if or where I adopted my son.  Fortunately I just laugh at them and say "No I gave birth to him."  I know I am translucent white, but he really is my biological son.  The main reason this line of thinking bothers me is because I do not want it to lead my son to ever question anything about himself later in life.  I hope that I can raise him in confidence and pride for who and what he is, and not to ever judge a person for the color of their skin.

The best parody video that I could find featured a white mother a mixed child and a black mother.  This was a great in your face to the biracial and lesbian parentage.  This to me was the greatest way to laugh at this issue.

I must say that my faith in humanity WAS redeemed when I came across an excellent video showing how kids reacted to the commercial.  It features many kids all being asked specific questions about the video.  Overall, none of them agree with the anger that anyone felt at this commercial and think that people should just be loved for who we are.  It is great to see that we are raising kids to NOT judge others based on skin colors, even if some adults are STILL living in the past. 

Here are the videos that I discussed:  Please form your own opinion, I would love to hear your take.

The "controversial" commercial

Parody commercial

Faith restoring children's take