One Little Piece

One Little Piece

Brittany L. McCann

9/27/2015

 

It starts out so small

You almost don’t even notice

The change is slight

Invisible on the outside

To pinpoint its cause

Is practically impossible

One day it hits you

There is something gone

But it’s only one little piece

Nothing big or major

An infinitesimal shard

Easy to replace

Will it ever come back?

Knowing not where it’s gone

A tiny morsel is all

The pain starts to shine

A pinpoint of dark

In a place meant for light

The can damage its whole

Merely because of the absence of

One little piece

Will it ever be mended?

This now missing piece

After all its size is miniscule

A microscope can barely glimpse it

And yet without its presence

This one little piece

Can eat away at the whole

Somehow I must find

This one little piece

That has gone missing

Just one little piece

Such a small little piece

Yet still a vital piece

This one little piece

This piece of my heart.

Lost: A Poem

Today was an exceptionally bad day....  Let's just say that it led to a rough poem of expressing some of my thoughts.  Just thought that I would share with you.  I know the flow is a bit rough, I haven't had much time to read through it, just sharing it in it's initial hurried pen to paper to get things out format.  Enjoy.

Lost

Brittany L. McCann

3-26-14

I feel so lost

Surrounded by chaos

As if adrift on the seas

Wave after wave of unplanned emergencies

Why can I not see the light

Is there no end in sight

No matter how hard I try

End up broken down and cry

Alone here I sit

Some days wanting to quit

Mental breakdown seems nigh

To a deserted place, I yearn to fly

Wanting to follow my dreams

Instead I stifle frustrated screams

Worse it can always be

Yet I still fight desperately

Can I never get ahead

Just want to hide in my bed

Is there no break to be caught

Has it all been for naught

I take it one step at a time

Awaiting my turn for sublime

Still here it is day after day

Sunny skies still turn grey

Most days are not sad

Yet some end up so bad

The battles I fight

Leave me alone in the night

Just when I can’t fight any longer

Somehow I come out stronger

One step at a time

Now entering my prime

Yet what is the cost

When I come to you lost

Sway

I was going through some older documents earlier today and found this poem that I wrote in 2004.  Fairly sensual poetry even for me ;)  Enjoy! Short but sweet. 

Here I am (at work) awaiting your touch

The touch of your eyes drinking in my body

The way that you gaze into my eyes and touch my soul

The touch of your breath upon my skin...

So warm and sweet

The touch of your fingertips caressing every curve and crevice

Making my body sway to feel you closer

Awaiting your lips and soft kisses

Making my lips long to touch your body

The touch of your tongue so warm and sensual

As I hold back moans of contentment

Torn Apart: Thoughts from a place of Confusion and Pain

When I was going through some hard things in my latest relationship I wanted to get some of those things out of my head and onto paper.  Afterwards I felt much better and ended up giving the relationship a second chance.  Although things failed, I didn't feel like everything was wrong when we were a part any more.  I felt at peace and free.  I felt an immense stress relief.  I am not here to talk bad about anyone or talk about what did or did not happen.  But I am comfortable sharing my thoughts from a previous time as I can healthily read them now and fe
el no attachment to them.  They are behind me now and I have found the closure that I need.  I am at peace with myself and my single situation in a whole new way.   I apologize for the possible lack of organization, I just had to get them out of me when I first wrote them.  They are recorded here as they were written, raw and the bearing of my soul.  I would love to hear your thoughts or comments.  Thank you!

Torn Apart

Feeling empty
Feeling lost
Feeling hurt and confused
Feels wrong to thevery core
I know things are over
But everything feels wrong
Feels like such a tragedy
A great love story lost in the chapters
How can I finally be awakened and lit from within
Only to have that flame extinguished so quickly
How can you fit into my family and then leave it all behind so easily
How can you hide so much and expect understanding shrouded in secrecy?
Professing marital and familial intention which you can not even begin to live up to in actions
I allowed myself to begin to hope and to dream and to feel love again
Your destruction of trust and inactivity, no movement towards repairing broken promises past words
Disregard for feelings and emotions of those you claim to call your family
Cook and clean and love and care for you
Only asking love and truth in truth and respect in return
To be sold short, to give so many chances to correct mistakes
Always allowing for the benefit of the doubt that never seems to coem to fruitation
To proclaim you want us in your life amidst continual broken promises
No action to mend what has been broken
I sit with open arms and heart
Tears newly wet on my face
How can you turn your back and say nothing
Just walk away silently
We allowed you into our hearts, our home, our family, our lives
You actions feel significantly short of the promise of your words
At least be man enough to admit defeat
When you will not stand and fight for us
I can't stay in limbo, allowing new tears upon my face and rips throughout my heart
To wipe away Liam's tears when he wonders where you are
To tell him you are gone
To hurt so much I lose appetite and sleep
It is all merely a casual affair
Nothing close tot he commitment you pretended
-Hurt, Confused, HeartBroken


*As you can see at this point I was not ready to let go, but the second chance showed me that things only had begun in the downward spiral and would continue to get worse.  I am thankful for the chance to have had my eyes open and my heart sealed to have been able to find the closure I so desperately needed to be able to move on.   I do not think of him as a horrible person, there were a lot of good things, but also many things with I cannot compromise on or allow as an example to my son and the disrespect to me and my family was too great.  It destroyed the love that I had for him.  I will never forget but I can move forward confidently and with respect for myself and love for my son.

REVENGE- A Dark Poem

I actually LOVE the dark poetry that I wrote during the early 2000s and wish that I was inspired to write more now in life.  They always turn out so visual to me.  Have a look for yourself. 

Broken in the dead of night

Mourning for the sun to rise

Sobbing in the midst of fright

Too fed up with compromise

Promise of a better day

Broken by each day's light

Needing to go another way

Ready to put up a fight

One can only take so much

Trying desperately to understand

Shuddering from the thought of his touch

Staring at the wall, so bland

I'll love you 'til the day I die

Perhaps that day can be made near

No longer having tears to cry

it will all end hear

Contemplating knife or gun

More pain, or less time

Knowing those that care are none

Ridding the world of his grime

Drifting from one shower to another

Tightly gripping her weapon of choice

He prevented her from becoming a mother

Setting fire to his precious Rolls Royce

Another car drifts into the drive

She hears the engine die

Now he sets foot inside

From the shadows she whispers goodbye

Swiftly lunging out at him

Letting not one second slip by

Not even worth his own name, Jim

She thrusts the knife into his side

Twisting as he yelps in pain

Silent as he pulls it out

Something clicks within his brain

His face turns into a pout

Slicing the air reaching for his throat

His hand grabs out for the knife

Memories of pain caused to her float

Within her mind glimpsing a new life

 He gags while choking on his blood

His body slumps onto the floor

Struggling, she drags him through the mud

Stopping only to open the car door

The car is prepped to be set ablaze

Rolling down the road, erupting flames

Her solemn mood, it does not phase

She could no longer take his games

Happily walking back to the house

Walking the stairs up to her bed

Slowly unbuttoning her blouse

Washing from her hands the red

Laying between the silken sheets

Praying to the starry skies

Finally slowing her heart beats

Peacefully she closes her eyes

In Need

I would like to share another throwback poem since I haven't done that in awhile.  This one is from March of 2001.  I wrote a lot of poetry around this time...  Enjoy

It's for you my heart yearns

Don't deprive me your love

Fire inside me burns

Away flies the white dove

Does love come and go

Has it decided to stay

How do I show 

What I'm feeling today

Words cannot grasp

My emotions inside

Feelings growing so fast

Taking me for a ride

Will you catch me if I fall

I'd reach out for you

Do you even care at all

My love is so true

To you, I'll never lie

I know you'd be mad

And I'd rather die

Than see you sad

I let out my pleas

I see you smile

Timeless ease

I'll have you for awhile

Amazing spark in your eyes

As I wish on a star

Looking tot he skies

In my heart you aren't far

Please listen to my words

They represent me

Carrying my heart like a bird

Together forever we can be

Don't refuse me now

I don't know what I'd do

Love reached down a bough

Now I hear a dove's coo

For you I'll always be there

You reach me even in my dreams

For you I will always care

Love can be gentle and serene

Hold me tonight

I need you near me

Did the love bug bite

Setting my heart free

It has chosen you

And I don't mind

I promise to be true

In your eyes, Love I find

I'm giving you me

Forever to stay

Together we can be free

If you'll hear what I say

OCD: A Heartbreaking Love Poem

Earlier today I came across one of the most unique and heartfelt poems that I have ever heard in my life.  It was written and read by a man named Neil Hilborn with OCD and tics.  He is a very brave man that bared his heart and soul in front of other people and I commend him for that.  It is the type of poem that would never be received int he proper way without him reading it himself.  He entered into a poetry slam and was videotaped reading it aloud.  It brought tears to my eyes each time that I have heard it and you can feel the power of his words and the emotions behind them.

If you don't know what OCD stands for it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Wikipedia defines OCD as "Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry; by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety; or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions. Symptoms of the disorder include excessive washing or cleaning; repeated checking; extreme hoarding; preoccupation with sexual, violent or religious thoughts; relationship-related obsessions; aversion to particular numbers; and nervous rituals, such as opening and closing a door a certain number of times before entering or leaving a room. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and financial distress. The acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and potentially psychotic. However, OCD sufferers generally recognize their obsessions and compulsions as irrational, and may become further distressed by this realization." And a tic is described as "A tic is a sudden, repetitive, nonrhythmic motor movement or vocalization involving discrete muscle groups. Tics can be invisible to the observer, such as abdominal tensing or toe crunching. Common motor and phonic tics are, respectively, eye blinking and throat clearing^"
 With that background definition, if it is new to you than you can have a new realization to how amazing it is that he was able to stop washing his hands after touching her, and how he is now able to leave the door unlocked, and leaves the light on hoping for her to come back.  It just breaks your heart.  On one hand I can imagine how difficult dating someone with these behaviors would be,  IT would require an insane amount of patience and time.  Obviously the novelty wore off for this woman, and I hope that he can find someone worthy of him that can give the patience and time that he deserves.  Either way his heart break breaks my heart with it's pain.  

Book Review: Go The F**k to Sleep

I bought this book when my son was very young as a joke, after hearing about hilarious it was.  After reading it, I actually thought that it exuded a sort of genius.  My favorite thing about this book is the combination of poetry and excellent illustrations that at first glance are completely unrelated.

In case you have never heard of this book titled "Go The F**K to Sleep." Let me tell you about it.  It was authored by Adam Mansbach and illustrated by Ricardo Cortes.  It was advertised as a children's book for adults, which is exactly what it is :)  Mr. Mansbach was inspired to write this book when his daughter was 2 and would take 2 hours to go to sleep. 

Fun Facts: The book reached #1 on the Amazon Best Seller list before it was officially released.  This was due to a viral marketing campaign which was caused by forwarding of the pdf version through e-mail.  Audible.com and audio book company published an audio book version with Samuel L. Jackson doing the reading.  Mansbach also wrote a more child friendly book called "Seriously, Go To Sleep." which is suitable for reading with your children.

I purchased this book during the 15 month period of my son never sleeping through the night.  Although it felt relevant at the time, I find that it's true relevance was not revealed until my son could talk more and ask for things at night and especially most recently now that he no longer has sides on his bed and can get up and come out of his room as he pleases.  

My two favorite excerpts from the book are
"The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest, and the creatures who crawl, run and creep.  I know you're not thirsty.  That's bullshit.  Stop lying.  Lie the fuck down, my darling and sleep."

"The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing.  As I lie here and openly weep.  Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk, who the fuck care?  You're not gonna sleep."

I think this book has added humor to me as the main premise of this book was being that Adam Mansbach was putting things into this book that parents do not say for fear of being called bad parents.  I would laugh loudly at the fact that some of these things are things that my dad openly said to my sister and I while growing up.  He wasn't afraid to tell us what he really thought.  Perhaps that helps us to speak our minds better in life now, rather than some of those around us....

If you haven't read this book you should definitely check it out.  It is a great conversation piece for your adult friends, however I wouldn't suggest reading it to your children due to the amount of profanity found within.  You can find it on amazon for under $10, or under $6 for used. A lot of my coworkers loved when I brought this work to share with them :)

In case you haven't heard the amazing reading by Samuel L. Jackson, here it is courtesy of YouTube.  Enjoy!

Because of You

Because of You

All because of you

Hearing your voice in the dark

No longer am I blue

You rekindled a spark

Deep within my

My pain is finally gone

My heart whispers softly

Singing it's joyful song

You're so close

Yet so far away

Wonder if he knows

How much I need him today

Alone here I sit

With you in my heart

Inside I'm throwing a fit

When we are a part

Slipping off my mask

Letting out my pain

What is it you ask

Love has reached me again

Your words amaze

Spoken from within

Away pass the days

Is loving you a sin

Somehow you found a way

To caress my soul

From the very first day

Having you was my goal

What do I need to do

To have you in my life

My love for you grows

Cutting my pain like a knife

*This is a poem that I wrote in 2002 and was published thanks to my Senior high school English teacher Miss Karnop who submitted it without my knowledge and bought me the book that it was published in for a graduation present.  I spent my entire Senior year thinking that I was a horrible student as English had always been my favorite subject and she had been so hard on me and always pushed me.  It wasn't until the end of the year when she finally told me the potential that she saw in me and helped give me inspiration in my writing when I felt that I couldn't make it.  I will never forget her, and was sad to see that she ended up moving after that year and getting married.  I wonder where she is now.

I Embrace You Now

I Embrace You Now
Brittany Lynne McCann
9/7/09

Yearned to be free
Happiness to Reclaim
Cut all the chords
Start anew, fresh
So much time wasted
Too much time lost
Lost inside one’s self
A quarter century flies by
I’m right here waiting
This is me Now
You cannot break me
Immeasurable strength
Don’t judge without knowing
Some days held on by a thread
New found strength
More lessons learned
Never go back
Always moving forward
Fear no longer paralyzing the progress
Can always choose again
I’m ready and willing
Brush off the old
No room for the fake
No heart for the lies
Come real or not at all
Never needed anyone else
Me against the world
Rolling in armed and strong
Prepared for this journey
The untrodden pathways
The wisdom to discover
Feet can’t keep up with intentions
Laughter found in each day
Take me as I am
Completely or not at all
All is me, as I am all
No time for games
Won in overtime
Ready to move on
No adversary strong enough
No tears lonely enough
I open my heart to you now
As I was afraid to do before
No room for regrets
No need to look back
I embrace you now
My all-encompassing future

*I wrote this poem as I was getting ready to enter into the military again and make a huge move to Texas as I was in the process of pulling myself out of a dark place in my life.  It is enlightening to read this now as I have just ended my 11 years with the military and have a newfound freedom and feeling more stressfree as my primary reason for moving is coming to a close.  It was what I definitely needed at the time and allowed me to move into a different realm within my career.  I do not harbor any regrets and I am again embracing the future in a different direction. 

Never Meant To Be

Never Meant To Be
By: Brittany Lynne McCann
April 13, 2010

You and me
Were never meant to be
It was just an idea
That didn’t realize reality
Couldn’t grasp it’s own depth
From that second glance
We both fell into it
Eyes wide open
Hearts slammed shut
Somewhere along the way
Things happened right beneath our feet
Not as controllable
As you and I thought
Hearts leaping with joy
Yet still not feeling right
Everything was somehow wrong
The universe felt off
The deeper I fall
The more detached I seem to feel
The less it all seems real
I want to give my all
To someone willing to receive
From day one
There were no disillusions
I knew you were not the one
But I also knew I deserved some fun
My life had become so mundane
It threatened to drive me insane
Where do we go from here
I want my affections to go
To someone who wants them
You would rather feel nothing for me
To escape this contradictory
That drives us apart each day
And somehow closer still the next
Your company I crave
Yet wishing I cannot help
That in your place was someone else
Someone with open arms and heart
To appreciate and give in return
Someone deserving of me now
Not so far into the future
Someone who will not realize it once I’m gone
But who can realize it when it’s there
I do not want to lose you as a friend
Yet I feel it coming to an end
If we don’t act fast
It could end disastrous
Leaving us worse off than before
As our hearts hit the floor
Torn bare from our chests
In this battle of wills
While your touch still gives me chills
But your mind captivates
Not I moment I will regret
Many times I will never forget
How much longer can we masquerade
As we play at this charade
Of never letting go
Both stubborn as the bull
Which one of us will give in first
This time I feel the turn is mine
Allowing yourself to love would be divine
Yet I cannot continue to waste time
Waiting around for you to mature
I know what I deserve
Far more than you can give right now
Your friendship is irreplaceable
I will be sad to see you go
Yet I know we are meant to part ways
Already we have spent too many days
In this relationship contradictory
After all, you and me
We were never meant to be

*This is a very private poem that I did not share with very many people.  It was written in regards to the father of my son.  This was at the end of things between us and 2-3 months before I found out that I had been pregnant since March.....

Dear Unconditional Love

Dear Unconditional Love

No matter what happens, I seem to figure things out on my own. I grow older and wiser with each passing moment. I have so many amazing things that I have yet to experience in life. So many ups and downs, challenges and triumphs. Each day always creating an even better and more refined version of myself, even when there are days that feel like I am going in reverse. Eventually it is merely making me stronger and more appreciative of the future and the now. I keep moving forward somehow, always moving no matter how slowly, when there are days when getting out of bed is all that can be mentally accomplished. I continue to do what I can to give my all to each day, even when my all is more on some days than others. I try to be brave and to feel no fear, to be sure to conquer the fear that makes it through. The last couple years have pushed me more than I ever knew possible. Given me so many days that I had nothing left to offer but laughter at the irony of life, the ridiculousness of the situation, and the realization that no matter how bad things seem they can always be worse. I do not sit here vindicated I sit here thankful and rejuvenated with the things that I have been allowed to overcome and to grow from. Everything is a blessing, a new opportunity to learn from in the classroom of life. I have been incredibly fortunate with those in my life whose love has been my rock, my strength when I no longer had anything to give. No matter what capacity it came in I will NEVER forget, and I only hope to come close for anyone in life to try to repay back this miracle of love to the universe.
Yet it has all been bittersweet because you have not been here to share it with me. You have not been here to grow with me, to laugh with me, to cry with me, and to merely LIVE life with me. To me this is the most unacceptable thing of all. I know you are somewhere, so close and yet so far away, but what are you waiting for? I have never been very good with patience and I cannot find a valid way to justify each day gone without you in my life. In searching I am afraid that we may have gotten lost along the way, that we somehow missed what was there. So I will sit here becoming the best I can be for you and more importantly for me each and every day. I will not close my eyes to whatever way it is that you have chosen to reveal yourself to me this time. I don't want to live with regrets and each day wasted without you is a waste of time that could have been OURS. Time that can go by in the blink of an eye if we are not careful. I'm no longer afraid, so why should you be? Stop making excuses, stop postponing life. Stop being afraid of the end before a beginning is ever allowed to happen. There is no reason to postpone the ultimate in shared happiness. I am here telling you that I am not running, I'm here and I am ready. So what are you waiting for? Come and get me.

Your Soulmate


*This is a letter I wrote in February of 2010 as I was feeling very open to welcome new and wonderful experiences into my life. 

I Want To

Here is a past poem that I would like to share, Enjoy:)

I Want To

By: Brittany L. McCann

9/12/10

I Want to Feel

His Breathe Upon My Neck

His Lips Upon My Skin

His Arms Wrapped Around Me

The Racing of His Heart

The Butterflies He Gives Me

With Merely A Smile

I Want To Hear

The Way He Says My Name

A Sigh Escape From His Lips

His Voice When He First Wakes Up

The Happiness in His Laughter

The Sound of His Heartbeat

With My Ear Pressed Against His Chest

I Want to See

His Eyes Sparkle With Excitement

His Smile Light Up His Face

His Heart Shine From Within

His Confidence in Life

The Tears He Hides From the World

And Let Him Know It’s Ok to Make Mistakes

I Want To Touch

His Lips With Mine

His Skin With My Fingertips

His Body With My Kisses

His Heart With My Love

His Soul From Deep Within

So He Never Has to Wonder If I’m The One

I Want To Know

His Deepest Desires

His Darkest Fears

His Secrets No One Knows

What Truly Makes Him Happy

His Dreams & Aspirations

So I Can Help Make Them Happen

I Want To Make Him Feel Safe

I Want Him To Know He Is Mine

I Want To Hold His Hand

I Want To Make New Memories

I Want To Be His Diary

I Want To Protect Him

I Want To Support Him

I Want To Push Him To Be Better

I Want To Catch Him When He Falls

I Want To Make Him Smile Every Day

I Want To Love Him With All That I Am

But Most Of All

I Want To Begin Sharing My Life With Him

*I wrote this poem a few months after finding out that I was going to be a mother, and my emotions were at an all time high.  My heart was open more than it had ever been.  I was in a wonderful place in my life to allow love to enter.  I wanted to share all of the amazing experiences I was going through with someone.