Emotional Abuse Is.... part 1 written in October 2015, but I am only now able to post this, Part 2 to follow soon.
Finding another girls underwear in your live in boyfriend's underwear drawer, confronting him about it and by the end of the argument he makes you feel like it was your fault for finding them and you are in the wrong.
Taking two days to even ask about the underwear because even though you know this is the end, you don't know if you are really ready for it.
Leaving out details such as finding the underwear from people you would normally tell everything to because you know how it sounds and you aren't ready to face that because some part of you still wants to find a way for this to all be a big mistake, and you want to hide in denial.
Knowing deep inside that something is wrong and still needing validation, even with validation from phone proof, instead he says he would be sorry for the video chats with another woman he says he wants to be in bed with that went on in the living room while you were in the bedroom and somehow the argument gets turned around on you for violating his privacy and being nosy.
Finding phone messages make you feel so physically ill you actually stand over the toilet wondering if you are about to throw up.
Going through your phone/email/chat to find someone that is not close to situation to talk to about finding phone messages so that you can hear the truth and have it laid out to you, but not actually have to act on it.
Rationalizing that the person is going through a lot and things will get better.
Another person making you feel crazy and second guessing your intuition.
Having someone throw your help back in your face and make you feel like a bad person for caring and wanting to do things for them.
Violating another person's privacy to get information because you still NEED to see them bold face lie to your face about a woman (another one), from their past that is sending emails about planning their future together as recent as less than a week ago, and him telling you that he hasn't spoken to them in over four months.
Reading another woman's messages and feeling as thought she is a kindred spirit with the way that they echo your own thoughts and insecurities because you can read in her words that she also feels a wrongness with the same man.
Having someone manipulate your words and turn them against you, constantly calling you untrustworthy and a liar to the point that you start to question yourself and revisit situations in your mind.
Loving someone else's children with so much of yourself that you try to look past the other person's faults because it is not their children's fault and then having your parenting techniques constantly criticized and having them tell you that they hope their daughters never turn out like you.
Spending more than one second wondering if this person even likes you.
Hearing your words and descriptions of incidents spoken allowed and knowing how wrong it is, but still rationalizing and envisioning a future with this person.
Beginning to avoid talking to people the closest to you altogether, so that they won't know how bad things are, because you still feel like you need to protect this person.
Having to write this in the first place at a low point to be able to come back and reread and stay strong and remember that you are an amazing woman, that you allowed this man and his children to come into your life with open arms and a welcoming home to try to do everything for them and have all of your efforts thrown back in your face.
A Broken Kind of Beautiful by Katie Ganshert is a book that I had the honor of winning in a Goodreads giveaway. It is about a 24-year-old woman named Ivy Clark. Ivy is a high-fashion model at the tail end of a career that has lasted 10 years. The realization that she may be getting too old to be a model for much longer. The book starts out with Ivy on the outs of a lasting contract that has kept her employed.
This book starts out a bit slow in setting the scene, and for about the first third of the book, I felt that it was hard to visualize the location and atmosphere in the book. I distinctly remember several times towards the beginning of the book where characters were talked about but I just couldn't picture what they look like or what the room they were in was like, aside from a generic idea. The story was still enjoyable as the storytelling is primarily around Ivy and her world falling apart around her. Luckily the rest of the book gets much more descriptive, as I like to visualize the world that the story is about.
As someone who isn't usually much for Christian Fiction novels, I can admit that I probably wouldn't have gone for this book initially if I would have known that it fell into that genre. Luckily I didn't realize that because it was not detracting from the story. Katie did a wonderful job of sneaking a lot of it in without shoving it in your face. Regardless of your beliefs the underlying message is one that is useful to anyone. We should all look for forgiveness, redemption and love.
Despite a slow start, the book is never not enjoyable to read. Katie does an amazing job of creating realistic characters that have realistic problems. She wrote about many difficult issues in this book and there were times where my heart just broke for some of the characters and I would have a tear or two drop from my eye. As you are reading you can really connect with the characters and feel their pain and their frustration at life and themselves. Overall I definitely enjoyed the story and the message that it brought forth, bringing us all a little deeper into fashion, photography, and what it feels like to be "broken". I definitely recommend this book and give it 4 out of 5 stars. Great job Katie Ganshert, I will definitely look into your previous novels: Wildflowers from Winter and Wishing on Willows.
When I was going through some hard things in my latest relationship I wanted to get some of those things out of my head and onto paper. Afterwards I felt much better and ended up giving the relationship a second chance. Although things failed, I didn't feel like everything was wrong when we were a part any more. I felt at peace and free. I felt an immense stress relief. I am not here to talk bad about anyone or talk about what did or did not happen. But I am comfortable sharing my thoughts from a previous time as I can healthily read them now and fe
el no attachment to them. They are behind me now and I have found the closure that I need. I am at peace with myself and my single situation in a whole new way. I apologize for the possible lack of organization, I just had to get them out of me when I first wrote them. They are recorded here as they were written, raw and the bearing of my soul. I would love to hear your thoughts or comments. Thank you!
Torn Apart
Feeling empty
Feeling lost
Feeling hurt and confused
Feels wrong to thevery core
I know things are over
But everything feels wrong
Feels like such a tragedy
A great love story lost in the chapters
How can I finally be awakened and lit from within
Only to have that flame extinguished so quickly
How can you fit into my family and then leave it all behind so easily
How can you hide so much and expect understanding shrouded in secrecy?
Professing marital and familial intention which you can not even begin to live up to in actions
I allowed myself to begin to hope and to dream and to feel love again
Your destruction of trust and inactivity, no movement towards repairing broken promises past words
Disregard for feelings and emotions of those you claim to call your family
Cook and clean and love and care for you
Only asking love and truth in truth and respect in return
To be sold short, to give so many chances to correct mistakes
Always allowing for the benefit of the doubt that never seems to coem to fruitation
To proclaim you want us in your life amidst continual broken promises
No action to mend what has been broken
I sit with open arms and heart
Tears newly wet on my face
How can you turn your back and say nothing
Just walk away silently
We allowed you into our hearts, our home, our family, our lives
You actions feel significantly short of the promise of your words
At least be man enough to admit defeat
When you will not stand and fight for us
I can't stay in limbo, allowing new tears upon my face and rips throughout my heart
To wipe away Liam's tears when he wonders where you are
To tell him you are gone
To hurt so much I lose appetite and sleep
It is all merely a casual affair
Nothing close tot he commitment you pretended
-Hurt, Confused, HeartBroken
*As you can see at this point I was not ready to let go, but the second chance showed me that things only had begun in the downward spiral and would continue to get worse. I am thankful for the chance to have had my eyes open and my heart sealed to have been able to find the closure I so desperately needed to be able to move on. I do not think of him as a horrible person, there were a lot of good things, but also many things with I cannot compromise on or allow as an example to my son and the disrespect to me and my family was too great. It destroyed the love that I had for him. I will never forget but I can move forward confidently and with respect for myself and love for my son.
As I reviewed Bic Runga last month (see previous blog Bic Runga Review) I thought that it was time to review another CD. This time I chose one of my favorite under-rated 112 albums, Pleasure & Pain.
In case you have absolutely NO idea who 112 is, let me give you a little bit of background. 112 is an American R & B quartet from Atlanta, GA. The four men are Marvin Eugene "Slim" Scandrick, Michael Marcel Keith, Quinnes
"Q" Parker, is credited with the mellow vocals;
and vocalist Daron Jones - who often doubles as the record producer for
112. The four met while attending high school together. From 2008 to 2012, each member of the group has released at least 1 solo album, and there are constant rumors about a reconciliation album, and a tour was actually performed in 2012 with the reconciliation with Slim.
Pleasure & Pain was released in March of 2005 and is the 5th studio album entitled thusly due to a song with the same name off of their 1996 debut album. The album overall did not do as well as the three preceding albums and didn't get very good reviews. This may have has something to do with the fact that although profanity was featured in previous albums, this was the first to actually get labeled as "parental advisory." Reviews were very skeptical of the collaboration with a group such as Three 6 Mafia thinking that it made 112 fall to the gutter and drop their previous standard of high quality music. There was speculation that Bad Boy taking over started the end of their spotlight stay. Although always surrounded by rumors, this is the last studio album released by 112 as a group.
Now when it comes to the actual songs of Pleasure & Pain, the CD starts out with an Intro. The Intro gives you a nice opening into the CD and why it was entitled Pleasure & Pain, which flows nicely into the first song "Let This Go." "Let This Go" has a nice catchy beat and is about giving second chances and how the relationship seems to have run it's course, you can't help but head bobbing to the delivery of a breakup song. Nicely done 112, nicely done.
Then we move into the third song "What If" which is about looking on a relationship and the man wondering what if he hadn't made all of the mistakes and taken his wife for granted and what if he had generally been a better man and not broken her heart, where would they be now, instead of where they are now, which is no longer together. I remember always listening to this song and wondering what if there was a man or two who wouldn't have done things that they had done to me that had caused the relationship to be over. It has a slower more demure beat, but you just can't help but like the song no matter what kind of things it makes you wonder about.
Now we have come to the fourth song "U Already Know." This song is more on the "Pleasure" of the CD. It is about a nice sexual rendezvous. It is a great song with some great visualizations that makes you want to have a nice little afternoon delight yourself (I have no idea what time of day was intended, I just always envisioned afternoon sex when I heard it, but it could totally be late night as well).
Moving on to the fifth song "Damn." I have to say that as much as I love this entire CD, this has to be on the lower end of the spectrum for me. It is about being mad for falling for someone and loving two women at the same time. About not meaning to break someones heart, and not being happy together when he ran into the side girl's arms when things weren't going good at home. Also I am not a huge fan of the flow of the song in general.
As the sixth song "Nowhere" has that love song vibe and slows it down. Opening with pronouncing that the man is Never going nowhere. Also that no one will ever take her place. The woman doesn't have to worry when he is out at the club, because she is the only one for him (you can tell the contradictory emotions that are being felt just by the CD's flow. I think this was ingeniously done if you listen to it from beginning to end, you feel tugged back and forth through the chaos yourself.)
We come back to a nice catchy vibe with "Last to Know." He is wondering if the love has left their relationship and how things aren't going well, he doesn't want to be the last to know if the relationship is already over, but he is willing to try to work things out, but he needs the communication to be there. This song's catchy vibe rises it up my likeness scale.
Now we come to a "Sorry (Interlude)" This is an apology in song form about how "sorry" is not enough, and that he is more than sorry...
For the second half of the CD (Track 9) "My Mistakes" We come back to a great vibe. I really love this song. He is wanting to work things out and wanting to take back his mistakes. He is begging to have another chance and be forgiven and wishing that he could quit making the same mistakes. However he seems to have been multiple chances already and just wants to erase the past and work things out. "If I Hit" features T.I. and even knowing what this song is obviously about, I still love it. It has a great beat and excellent vocal flow. However it is about getting down with another man's woman that he met at the bar, and the things he can do to her that her "man won't do." T.I. just adds to the greatness. However the chorus is deplorable "If I hit, promise, there ain't gonna be no drama... If I hit promise, I ain't gotta hear nothing from you, your n***** running in with that drama saying I done f***** his woman" And yes it's a great club song and you want to dance and try not to sing the lyrics, great guilty pleasure song. "The Way" features Jermain Dupri who also helped produce a couple of songs on the album. It starts out with a short rap by Jermaine, I am not a huge fan of the beat. This is another song about another man's woman and how she can't tell his girl about the way that he wants her. Lacking the catchy beat and making you want to get up and dance to it, this song falls towards the bottom for me. "We Goin' be Alright" slows things down a bit, and gives a little bit of a gospel feel with some a Capella. And how if they can communicate then things will be alright. "Why Can't We Get Along" stays on the slow side, adding some nice music to go with. Also about a lot of lack of communication and no compromise and lots of fighting. It has a nice flow so I place it in the middle. "That's How Close We Are" adds a little bit of speed to the mix. It seems more philosophical than the rest of the songs thus far. Contemplating life and comparing things around him to the woman he loves and how close they are. Back in love now after the fights, and how great life is going with the woman. She has given him another chance and the sun is shining. It's an overall great lovey song and I place it back towards the top. "Closing the Club" featured Three 6 Mafia. I can't help but laugh going through this play list, we got things back good, so now it's time to go back to the club and mess things up again hahaha. Either way Three 6 Mafia, helps take things to a little more of a down and dirty level. The beat is quite simplistic with few note changes but still catchy, and bringing 112 back tot he alcohol and sex addiction. Needless to say it's still catchy and I like it. "What the Hell do You Want" is second to last song on this CD. This is the repentance I did wrong song. I just laugh going through this journey from the man's side. (Assuming only the story told by the lyrics and the song order that does not seem like an accident to me.) He can't understand why things aren't going so well, and he is taken as a joke. He seems at a loss as to what to do to make his woman happy. All he really had to do was be there and keep it in his pants. Stop lying and sneaking around, we don't really need a whole lot more on the basic level. That is probably what the hell she wants from him haha. "God Knows" wraps up our journey, and stays on the slower groovy side. He is still wondering why all the love that he has is being questioned and why she won't be an exception and asking for trust and wanting to be there. I think if he would just listen to the song order, he would realize the hellish roller coaster that their relationship had traversed. I feel bad for either party for having to go through this. I would have gotten off the ride around the start of the CD haha. It's still a great song.
As you can see overall the CD is a great listen, and I definitely recommend checking it out.
I chose to share "What If" for you to help you contemplate as well :)
I actually LOVE the dark poetry that I wrote during the early 2000s and wish that I was inspired to write more now in life. They always turn out so visual to me. Have a look for yourself.
