Torn Apart: Thoughts from a place of Confusion and Pain

When I was going through some hard things in my latest relationship I wanted to get some of those things out of my head and onto paper.  Afterwards I felt much better and ended up giving the relationship a second chance.  Although things failed, I didn't feel like everything was wrong when we were a part any more.  I felt at peace and free.  I felt an immense stress relief.  I am not here to talk bad about anyone or talk about what did or did not happen.  But I am comfortable sharing my thoughts from a previous time as I can healthily read them now and fe
el no attachment to them.  They are behind me now and I have found the closure that I need.  I am at peace with myself and my single situation in a whole new way.   I apologize for the possible lack of organization, I just had to get them out of me when I first wrote them.  They are recorded here as they were written, raw and the bearing of my soul.  I would love to hear your thoughts or comments.  Thank you!

Torn Apart

Feeling empty
Feeling lost
Feeling hurt and confused
Feels wrong to thevery core
I know things are over
But everything feels wrong
Feels like such a tragedy
A great love story lost in the chapters
How can I finally be awakened and lit from within
Only to have that flame extinguished so quickly
How can you fit into my family and then leave it all behind so easily
How can you hide so much and expect understanding shrouded in secrecy?
Professing marital and familial intention which you can not even begin to live up to in actions
I allowed myself to begin to hope and to dream and to feel love again
Your destruction of trust and inactivity, no movement towards repairing broken promises past words
Disregard for feelings and emotions of those you claim to call your family
Cook and clean and love and care for you
Only asking love and truth in truth and respect in return
To be sold short, to give so many chances to correct mistakes
Always allowing for the benefit of the doubt that never seems to coem to fruitation
To proclaim you want us in your life amidst continual broken promises
No action to mend what has been broken
I sit with open arms and heart
Tears newly wet on my face
How can you turn your back and say nothing
Just walk away silently
We allowed you into our hearts, our home, our family, our lives
You actions feel significantly short of the promise of your words
At least be man enough to admit defeat
When you will not stand and fight for us
I can't stay in limbo, allowing new tears upon my face and rips throughout my heart
To wipe away Liam's tears when he wonders where you are
To tell him you are gone
To hurt so much I lose appetite and sleep
It is all merely a casual affair
Nothing close tot he commitment you pretended
-Hurt, Confused, HeartBroken


*As you can see at this point I was not ready to let go, but the second chance showed me that things only had begun in the downward spiral and would continue to get worse.  I am thankful for the chance to have had my eyes open and my heart sealed to have been able to find the closure I so desperately needed to be able to move on.   I do not think of him as a horrible person, there were a lot of good things, but also many things with I cannot compromise on or allow as an example to my son and the disrespect to me and my family was too great.  It destroyed the love that I had for him.  I will never forget but I can move forward confidently and with respect for myself and love for my son.

Government Shutdown Contemplations

My post title may be a bit misleading as I am not really here to talk about anything overly political.  Rather I am here to share my thoughts on the ripple effect that politics and consequently the government shutdown has had around me and how easily this situation could really escalate into something much worse. 
I was very thankful to no longer be a government employee when all of this started happening and I know so many people that were to be and still are affected by the shut down.  I found myself incredibly thankful to be a NAF (non-appropriated funds) worker.
The day of the shutdown is when it seemed to have the most impact on me mentally.  I was scrolling down my facebook newsfeed and just reading through the fears and prayers and anger and frustration and a whole range of emotions felt by my friends each directly and indirectly affected by this issue in some way or another after the furlough letters went out. 
Of course it was being covered by the news networks but I remember thinking how petty the news was when so many people were about to go without pay for an undetermined amount of time and all the news seemed to care about was the fact the museums and national parks were going to be closed and how this could affect the weddings that were planned to take place at them (mainly national parks).  Although I am sure that if it were my wedding that I would have felt a little more slighted, but being that it was not I felt that this was such a travesty to parade around a couple who seemed more excited about being on tv than upset about the need to change their venue for their wedding.  Why were they not interviewing the national park workers, or museum workers, or countless other government employees that had no idea how long it would be before they brought home a paycheck to take care of their families. 
I started to have intense flashbacks to when I had been previously unemployed and the emotions that I felt at the time.  I remembered how scary it was and how powerless you felt when you would do everything in your power and it still didn't seem to be enough, how quickly bills would stack up and you would find yourself doing things like donating plasma just to pay for gas and food.  now I know that for the majority of the furloughed workers that things have not escalated to the point that they did with me, but how far off are they?  With the American economy in a slump for so many years it has left the majority of people in a water treading type of financial situation.  Some have excelled and others are constantly aflounder relying on paycheck to paycheck to stay afloat.  After many of these currently furloughed workers previously losing 20% of their pay for about 5 weeks in a row less than a month ago, I can only imagine the toll that this is taking on their mental state. 
It was sometime amidst this thought process that I heard that the commissary (the on base military grocery store) would be closing after that night for the duration of the furlough.  Already in need of a couple staple items I figured it would be best to try to head over and get what I could while it was open.  Although our commissary at the base here is not a very big one it was a mad dash for each item.  Lots of shelves were bare and there was mass chaos ensuing at every aisle as the stress and frustration had found it's way into the grocery store.  I grabbed one of the last packets of hamburger meat and proceeded on to other items that I required and kept looking around and many bare spots within the shelves.  All that I could think about was that it was reminiscent of a natural disaster and what if things escalated and we could not go out to off-base grocery stores, what if they looked the same and I would be utterly unprepared.  Would we still have electricity?  would I be able to make use of my freezer and fridge items?  How long would I really have before all of that food expired on me and I was left to rely on what was in my pantry?
Having grown up in Montana the concept of food storage was not a foreign thing to me.  There would be many times when the threat of being snowed in for a few days or more was a very real thing.  You never knew how long you would need to be prepared for and so we always had a stockpile of dried and canned goods.  Since moving to Texas I have had to start over from scratch and have moved every year in the last four years.  Also I have lived alone the majority of the time, with small stints of my sister coming and going.  Because of this, I have never fully gotten a very lengthy supply of any pantry items.  I honestly don't think that I could survive for more than a couple of weeks (and that's stretching it) if I had to.  I really feel like I need to be better prepared for anything. 
Times like this bring out the fear and consequently the frustration and anger in people.  These can be dangerous times.  I keep thinking that now would be the time that an active shooter scenario that we have seen at Fort Hood and the recent navy yard could easily be just about anyone that has been put into this trying situation. 
I pray for the safety and peace of mind for all of the brothers and sisters in arms and in our nation during this time of strife.  I also pray for the politicians to soften their hearts and their minds to come to the most benevolent decision for our country.  I pray that they can put our country first and personal agendas first.  Service before self is not happening here.  If we are not careful we will turn ourselves into a third world country.  We have to stand together as a nation, because without the strength of unity we are weak when divided and when divided we shall fall.  I wish that I could replace the anger and the fear and hatred in the hearts of our leaders and our citizens with love for something.  Whether it be this great nation we live in and die for or for the reason we all came here in the first place and the reasons we choose to remain when we have a vast amount of other countries to chose from, we remain here in what we call home.  Right now we need to take care of our home, tend our own lawns, come together as a people.  We need to spread the feeling of love, whether it be in a simple gesture of something more grandeur.  We need to worry about ourselves and fix what is wrong at home in our country.  Politics has become a bad marriage and we are the children that can be damaged for life if their is no reconciliation and this marriage is torn apart.  Where is the marriage counseling here?  Where is the love that all sides had in their hearts to make this nation great, keep it great and the pride to continue to grow in greatness?  We seem to have lost some of ourselves as a nation in the greed for whatever vices we hold.  We need to find the love, the pride, the unity that makes us what we are as Americans...

I could go on for quite some time, but I think that my point has been made, and I have gotten across the message that I wanted to send.  I send love and light to all of my fellow Americans no matter how weak or strong and I hope that we can all stand together and hold the hands of those next to us to help our Nation rise up to the greatness she can be.  We are all powerful as one.