With the end of the year coming up I thought it was time to fit in one last Weird Amazon product article! Not all of the things in this edition are necessarily weird, but they all have great reviews :) Enjoy!
"I purchased this gizmo to play a prank on my husband Brad, who still
prattles on about his "fourth-kind" encounter when he was just thirteen.
(The 4th kind involves a probe, if you're wondering. I keep saying it
was likely his redneck neighbor dressed as ET, but that possibility is
too dreadful for him to truly accept.)
On the anniversary of
Brad's alleged abduction, I placed the device by our bedside, then
set-up an electromagnetic wave generator under the bed, with a timer to
go off right at midnight. (If you're wondering where to get one, I
recommend the Skymall Catalog. I also picked up some Motivational
posters and fake garden rock speakers to save on shipping. You're
But back to my prank. It was all set to go, and I was
as giddy as a six year old waiting for Santa. But like a typical six
year old, I fell asleep before the damn thing went off. I awoke to the
flashing of multiple LEDs from the UFO-02 Detector, and bolted up, eager
to see Brad's petrified face. Aha!
But Brad wasn't there.
fact, I wasn't even in our bedroom any more. Instead, I stood
face-to-face with Leonardo da Vinci. Or perhaps it was Professor
Dumbledore, I'm not really certain. In either event, It was a
manifestation that the being I shall call the "Intelligence" had
determined my brain would most easily accept for deliverance of The
You see, the Intelligence had come to convey to us
humans that the Imperative was nigh, that what we loosely dub the
Singularity was only the beginning of a limitless existence unbounded by
physical space and time, and that sugar-free alternatives are actually
WORSE for us than the real deal. He made sure that last point was clear
by making me repeat it twice.
When I came to, Brad was sound
asleep in his tin foil hat, the UFO-02 detector was gone, and, sure
enough, all of my Splenda had been replaced with little, brown raw sugar
packets. When I tried to tell Brad about Leonardo/Dumbledore and The
Message, he rolled over away from me, grumbling that I shouldn't eat so
much ice cream or any dairy product before bed." -George Takei
*Ice cream will do it every time ;)
"I must have been thinking "what the hell?" when I bought it on one of my
drunk internet shopping sprees. Usually those are bad decisions which I
end up returning. I'm not sure how I even came across this device.
it came to my doorstep I scratched my head, asking myself, "Oh, good
lord, what did I buy now?" When I cracked it open I had a good laugh. I
couldn't resist testing it out.
The strangest thing happened. It went
off. Like, it REALLY went off. There was no one around. My cat was in
the far back room. So I shut it off and waited for my fiance to come
home. I was with him when he turned it on and sure enough it acted
possessed again. He was about to tinker with it to see where the problem
was when I went outside to check our mailbox.
The moment I left the front door, it stopped. When I came back in, it lit up like the fourth of July.
any concerned person, I was wondering if there was something wrong with
me. After several doctor appointments, cat scans, and psychological
exams, I could think of no one else to turn to. Except the church.
The Church of Scientology, that is.
I found out I'm not alone. There are about 8 million of us thetans out there waiting to find our way back home, to each other.
life is forever changed. Now when I look into the sky, I don't ask "are
we alone?" Instead I look at the stars and see my long-lost home, from
which I and my people were exiled.
Earth is a prison. Xenu be damned. If I ever find his wretched soul I will kill him." -Paige Turner
*Perhaps we are all just here looking for home.
You can purchase the product here: UFO-02
AMSCAN Face Paint
"I have to say I had my doubts, I mean look how happy that guy is on the
packaging - surely a simple face paint couldn't bring that much joy?
Within minutes of whiting up I was laughing like a lunatic - it's that good.
now purchased some of the other colours too and they're just as good. A
word of warning though people seem to get really mad when you go out
with the brown one on."
*It seems like this product is well worth the purchase
"I ordered this product last Tuesday, and after it was delivered to me by
the usual delivery falcons, I immediately began applying it to my face
and neck. However, something was wrong. No matter how much I applied, or
no matter where I applied it, I just wasn't as happy as the gentleman
on the box. I bought several more packages of it, just in case I'd
received a defective batch, but alas, I couldn't recreate the male
model's sheer sense of happiness and general well being. Then I began to
think "What if it's not a problem with the product? What if it's a
problem with ME?!"
I realized that it was indeed my own problems
that prevented me from achieving inner peace and true joy, so I began
selling all my possessions. In fact, the only thing I didn't sell was
the face paint, because I keep the packaging so I can look at that man's
face every day and swear that one day, I will be as content with life
as he is.
But I must cut this review short, as the manager of
this internet cafe doesn't take kindly to people sitting naked in their
seats and attempting to pay with positive thoughts. I'll just wrap up
with this: Thank you, AMSCAN. Thank you. When I bought your product, I
didn't just receive one ounce of white face paint. I received one ounce
of truth." -Derry W
*This doesn't make you just happy on the outside, but also on the inside :)
You can find the product here: AMSCAN Face Paint
How To Avoid Huge Ships
"As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I'm sure
other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of
the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I
certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents
when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental
voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don't even get
me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable
cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are
everywhere and it doesn't help that the tv and movies make huge ships
seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject
of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because
of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and
cope with the reality that I can't always be there to protect my kids
from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I'm confident that my
teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make
wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly
know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns,
questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge
ships." -Noel D. Hill
*Who would have known what an amazing parental tool this book could be used for. I am sure that the author had no idea the depths that this book would reach in societal upbringing.
"This book really is one of the best huge ship avoidance references I've
come across, not just for the effective methods it teaches as to
avoiding huge ships, but also for exploding some of the huge ship
avoidance myths that many of us take for granted.
Do not charge the huge ship at full speed in an attempt to scare it
off. This may work with coyotes, but it is less effective with huge
- Similarly, do not roll your boat over and play dead. Unless the huge ship is captained by a grizzly bear, this will not work.
- Do not attempt to go under the huge ship. This is typically not successful.
- Do not attempt to jump over the huge ship.
Trimmer presents a rather novel technique for avoiding huge ships -
move your boat out of the path of the huge ship. I know what you're
thinking, this goes against conventional wisdom, but Trimmer presents
significant empirical evidence to support his theory. Indeed, over the
long run, moving out of the way will dramatically decrease the number of
huge ship collisions you will have to endure in your daily life." -Cap'N Crunch
*I was so pleased that someone added some excerpts from the book as this one tragically was missing the see inside selection on Amazon. I also feel much more informed thanks to this wealth of knowledge!
If you would like to save yourself or your loved ones from large ships you will definitely want to learn how to avoid them by purchasing this book: Avoid Huge Ships
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
"What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been
said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the
greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly
over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores
NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing
OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?"
and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn
bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are
the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point
where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our
6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with
her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found
the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've
even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!"-Mrs. Toledo
* Not only a time saver, but a marriage saver. Who know something so simple could impact so much.
"I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the
picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are
bent the other way." -J. Anderson
*Proof that you can give someone an amazing product but if they don't use it properly it can never be a lifesaving tool.
If you want to save your marriage or maybe just time, go purchase one now: Banana Slicer
Bic Crystal For Her Pens
"Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I
can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse,
walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof,
non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun
using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It
has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me
the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy
at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved,
and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert
Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm
positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen
that my lady parts can really identify with.
Where has this pen been all my life???" -Tracy Hamilton
"I see this comes in a sleek design. But as a "full-figured" woman, do these pens come in "curvy and carefree"?" -Courtney
*I have to agree that these pens could come in more designs for ALL woman.
If you want to make your life better as a woman, you should get yourself some: BIC Pens
*In case you have missed any of the previous Amazon reviews You can find them here