Monday, December 30, 2013

Weird Things For Sale on Amazon Part 5

With the end of the year coming up I thought it was time to fit in one last Weird Amazon product article!  Not all of the things in this edition are necessarily weird, but they all have great reviews :)  Enjoy!

UFO-02 Detector
This gem of a product is described as a magnetometer interfaced with micro controller for detecting magnetic anomalies.  There is a small percentage of UFO sightings that can't be explained by any known aircraft or natural phenomena. It is this small percentage of UFO sightings that create an exciting possibility. Over the years real UFO sightings have reported simultaneous electromagnetic disturbances. The UFO Detector is designed to sense these electromagnetic disturbances and signal their detection flashing 16 LED's simultaneously and beeping. The elegantly designed transparent plastic case is a handsome sculptured conversation piece that's allows one to see the electronics inside the case.

Top Reviews:
"I purchased this gizmo to play a prank on my husband Brad, who still prattles on about his "fourth-kind" encounter when he was just thirteen. (The 4th kind involves a probe, if you're wondering. I keep saying it was likely his redneck neighbor dressed as ET, but that possibility is too dreadful for him to truly accept.)
On the anniversary of Brad's alleged abduction, I placed the device by our bedside, then set-up an electromagnetic wave generator under the bed, with a timer to go off right at midnight. (If you're wondering where to get one, I recommend the Skymall Catalog. I also picked up some Motivational posters and fake garden rock speakers to save on shipping. You're welcome.)
But back to my prank. It was all set to go, and I was as giddy as a six year old waiting for Santa. But like a typical six year old, I fell asleep before the damn thing went off. I awoke to the flashing of multiple LEDs from the UFO-02 Detector, and bolted up, eager to see Brad's petrified face. Aha!
But Brad wasn't there.
In fact, I wasn't even in our bedroom any more. Instead, I stood face-to-face with Leonardo da Vinci. Or perhaps it was Professor Dumbledore, I'm not really certain. In either event, It was a manifestation that the being I shall call the "Intelligence" had determined my brain would most easily accept for deliverance of The Message.
You see, the Intelligence had come to convey to us humans that the Imperative was nigh, that what we loosely dub the Singularity was only the beginning of a limitless existence unbounded by physical space and time, and that sugar-free alternatives are actually WORSE for us than the real deal. He made sure that last point was clear by making me repeat it twice.
When I came to, Brad was sound asleep in his tin foil hat, the UFO-02 detector was gone, and, sure enough, all of my Splenda had been replaced with little, brown raw sugar packets. When I tried to tell Brad about Leonardo/Dumbledore and The Message, he rolled over away from me, grumbling that I shouldn't eat so much ice cream or any dairy product before bed." -George Takei

*Ice cream will do it every time ;)

"I must have been thinking "what the hell?" when I bought it on one of my drunk internet shopping sprees. Usually those are bad decisions which I end up returning. I'm not sure how I even came across this device.
When it came to my doorstep I scratched my head, asking myself, "Oh, good lord, what did I buy now?" When I cracked it open I had a good laugh. I couldn't resist testing it out.
The strangest thing happened. It went off. Like, it REALLY went off. There was no one around. My cat was in the far back room. So I shut it off and waited for my fiance to come home. I was with him when he turned it on and sure enough it acted possessed again. He was about to tinker with it to see where the problem was when I went outside to check our mailbox.
The moment I left the front door, it stopped. When I came back in, it lit up like the fourth of July.
Like any concerned person, I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. After several doctor appointments, cat scans, and psychological exams, I could think of no one else to turn to. Except the church.
The Church of Scientology, that is.
I found out I'm not alone. There are about 8 million of us thetans out there waiting to find our way back home, to each other.
My life is forever changed. Now when I look into the sky, I don't ask "are we alone?" Instead I look at the stars and see my long-lost home, from which I and my people were exiled.
Earth is a prison. Xenu be damned. If I ever find his wretched soul I will kill him." -Paige Turner

*Perhaps we are all just here looking for home.

You can purchase the product here: UFO-02

AMSCAN Face Paint
This isn't just ANY face paint, it's insanely HAPPY face paint.  Just look at the man selling the product.  AMSCAN-Cream Make-up Face Paint. Easy on and easy off cream paint for parties; sports event and Halloween. This package contains one 1oz/28.3g tube. Available in a variety of colors. Recommended for ages 8 and up.  Nothing strange in the product description, but just wait until you read the reviews ;)

Top Reviews
"I have to say I had my doubts, I mean look how happy that guy is on the packaging - surely a simple face paint couldn't bring that much joy?
Within minutes of whiting up I was laughing like a lunatic - it's that good.
I've now purchased some of the other colours too and they're just as good. A word of warning though people seem to get really mad when you go out with the brown one on."  -T. Elliot

*It seems like this product is well worth the purchase

"I ordered this product last Tuesday, and after it was delivered to me by the usual delivery falcons, I immediately began applying it to my face and neck. However, something was wrong. No matter how much I applied, or no matter where I applied it, I just wasn't as happy as the gentleman on the box. I bought several more packages of it, just in case I'd received a defective batch, but alas, I couldn't recreate the male model's sheer sense of happiness and general well being. Then I began to think "What if it's not a problem with the product? What if it's a problem with ME?!"
I realized that it was indeed my own problems that prevented me from achieving inner peace and true joy, so I began selling all my possessions. In fact, the only thing I didn't sell was the face paint, because I keep the packaging so I can look at that man's face every day and swear that one day, I will be as content with life as he is.
But I must cut this review short, as the manager of this internet cafe doesn't take kindly to people sitting naked in their seats and attempting to pay with positive thoughts. I'll just wrap up with this: Thank you, AMSCAN. Thank you. When I bought your product, I didn't just receive one ounce of white face paint. I received one ounce of truth." -Derry W

*This doesn't make you just happy on the outside, but also on the inside :)

You can find the product here: AMSCAN Face Paint

How To Avoid Huge Ships
Yes this is a real book.  Sadly there is not a lot to be said about it in the amazon descriptions, luckily that's what the reviews are for.   This book does however come in paperback and starts at only $142 so you definitely want to get one for your collection, and of course your own safety in avoiding such a nasty threat before the price goes up.

Top Reviews
"As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I'm sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships. The long inter-continental voyages that kept my mom and dad up all night with worry. Don't even get me started on the international protocols when transporting perishable cargo. To think, I was even younger than my kids are now! huge ships are everywhere and it doesn't help that the tv and movies make huge ships seem glamorous and cool. This book helped me really approach the subject of huge ships with my kids in an honest and non judgmental way. Because of the insights this book provided, I can sleep a little better and cope with the reality that I can't always be there to protect my kids from huge ships, especially as they become adults. I'm confident that my teens, when confronted by a huge ship, are much better prepared to make wiser decisions than I did. At the very least my children certainly know that they can always come to me if they have any concerns, questions or just need my support when it comes to the topic of huge ships." -Noel D. Hill
*Who would have known what an amazing parental tool this book could be used for.  I am sure that the author had no idea the depths that this book would reach in societal upbringing.

 "This book really is one of the best huge ship avoidance references I've come across, not just for the effective methods it teaches as to avoiding huge ships, but also for exploding some of the huge ship avoidance myths that many of us take for granted.
For example:
- Do not charge the huge ship at full speed in an attempt to scare it off. This may work with coyotes, but it is less effective with huge ships.
- Similarly, do not roll your boat over and play dead. Unless the huge ship is captained by a grizzly bear, this will not work.
- Do not attempt to go under the huge ship. This is typically not successful.
- Do not attempt to jump over the huge ship.
Captain Trimmer presents a rather novel technique for avoiding huge ships - move your boat out of the path of the huge ship. I know what you're thinking, this goes against conventional wisdom, but Trimmer presents significant empirical evidence to support his theory. Indeed, over the long run, moving out of the way will dramatically decrease the number of huge ship collisions you will have to endure in your daily life." -Cap'N Crunch

*I was so pleased that someone added some excerpts from the book as this one tragically was missing the see inside selection on Amazon.  I also feel much more informed thanks to this wealth of knowledge! 

If you would like to save yourself or your loved ones from large ships you will definitely want to learn how to avoid them by purchasing this book: Avoid Huge Ships

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
This is one of those products that is so fabulously simple and fantastic that I have been saving it for awhile.  It is one of amazon's greatest things for sale that actually helped to inspire this topic to begin with.  So here it is, my Christmas present to you to start your New Year off right.  Enjoy!  Product description is quite generic: Slice an entire banana in one quick motion. Fun for children and safer than a knife. Dishwasher safe.

Top Reviews
"What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!"-Mrs. Toledo
* Not only a time saver, but a marriage saver.  Who know something so simple could impact so much.

"I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way." -J. Anderson
*Proof that you can give someone an amazing product but if they don't use it properly it can never be a lifesaving tool. 

 If you want to save your marriage or maybe just time, go purchase one now: Banana Slicer

Bic Crystal For Her Pens
BIC Cristal For Her has an elegant design - just for Her! It features a thin barrel designed to fit a women's hand. It has a diamond engraved barrel for an elegant and unique feminine style.  These could possibly be a sexist pen ;) 

Top Reviews
"Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.
Where has this pen been all my life???"  -Tracy Hamilton

"I see this comes in a sleek design. But as a "full-figured" woman, do these pens come in "curvy and carefree"?" -Courtney
*I have to agree that these pens could come in more designs for ALL woman.

If you want to make your life better as a woman, you should get yourself some:  BIC Pens

*In case you have missed any of the previous Amazon reviews You can find them here

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

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