Monday, October 21, 2013

Torn Apart: Thoughts from a place of Confusion and Pain

When I was going through some hard things in my latest relationship I wanted to get some of those things out of my head and onto paper.  Afterwards I felt much better and ended up giving the relationship a second chance.  Although things failed, I didn't feel like everything was wrong when we were a part any more.  I felt at peace and free.  I felt an immense stress relief.  I am not here to talk bad about anyone or talk about what did or did not happen.  But I am comfortable sharing my thoughts from a previous time as I can healthily read them now and fe
el no attachment to them.  They are behind me now and I have found the closure that I need.  I am at peace with myself and my single situation in a whole new way.   I apologize for the possible lack of organization, I just had to get them out of me when I first wrote them.  They are recorded here as they were written, raw and the bearing of my soul.  I would love to hear your thoughts or comments.  Thank you!

Torn Apart

Feeling empty
Feeling lost
Feeling hurt and confused
Feels wrong to thevery core
I know things are over
But everything feels wrong
Feels like such a tragedy
A great love story lost in the chapters
How can I finally be awakened and lit from within
Only to have that flame extinguished so quickly
How can you fit into my family and then leave it all behind so easily
How can you hide so much and expect understanding shrouded in secrecy?
Professing marital and familial intention which you can not even begin to live up to in actions
I allowed myself to begin to hope and to dream and to feel love again
Your destruction of trust and inactivity, no movement towards repairing broken promises past words
Disregard for feelings and emotions of those you claim to call your family
Cook and clean and love and care for you
Only asking love and truth in truth and respect in return
To be sold short, to give so many chances to correct mistakes
Always allowing for the benefit of the doubt that never seems to coem to fruitation
To proclaim you want us in your life amidst continual broken promises
No action to mend what has been broken
I sit with open arms and heart
Tears newly wet on my face
How can you turn your back and say nothing
Just walk away silently
We allowed you into our hearts, our home, our family, our lives
You actions feel significantly short of the promise of your words
At least be man enough to admit defeat
When you will not stand and fight for us
I can't stay in limbo, allowing new tears upon my face and rips throughout my heart
To wipe away Liam's tears when he wonders where you are
To tell him you are gone
To hurt so much I lose appetite and sleep
It is all merely a casual affair
Nothing close tot he commitment you pretended
-Hurt, Confused, HeartBroken

*As you can see at this point I was not ready to let go, but the second chance showed me that things only had begun in the downward spiral and would continue to get worse.  I am thankful for the chance to have had my eyes open and my heart sealed to have been able to find the closure I so desperately needed to be able to move on.   I do not think of him as a horrible person, there were a lot of good things, but also many things with I cannot compromise on or allow as an example to my son and the disrespect to me and my family was too great.  It destroyed the love that I had for him.  I will never forget but I can move forward confidently and with respect for myself and love for my son.

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