Friday, March 14, 2014

Weird Things For Sale on Amazon: Part 7

As long as people continue to review ordinary objects in an extraordinary way and sell the most random and weird things on Amazon, than I will continue to find the humor in it where I can and bring it to you!  With that being said here are a couple of the awesome products I think you want to know about.  Enjoy!

Will Ferrell's Sexy Hot Tan Sunscreen Benefiting Cancer for College 
Yes, that really is the full name of the product....  reminds me of something that you might find in the movie Zoolander being sold by Ben Stiller's character ;)  Product description is as follows: Are you Sexy? Are You Hot? Then who wouldnt want a sexy, hot tan? This sunscreen is made with our very own streaking strength formula plus one. All of our sunscreen products come in 6 oz bottles and are 30 SPF and provide UVA/UVB broad spectrum protection. 100% of the proceeds from sales go to the Cancer for College Scholarship Fund.  My biggest surprise comes from the fact that this is ACTUALLY a sunscreen, although I tend to wonder what the Cancer for College Scholarship Fun really is....

Top Reviews
"At first shake of the bottle, I could tell immediately that this was no ordinary sunscreen. Me thinks the virile essence of the celebrity, Will Ferrell, magically seeped through the plastic skin to enhance the contents within. The packaging offers a nice firm squirt of liquid without very little remnant left around the bottle cap so I have to say the dispensing of this liquid is a delight in itself.
The texture is much lighter than anticipated. After studying the glowing frame of Will Ferrell on the near-pornographic label, I expected the liquid to also carry with it a similar heft, similar to an anvil. Instead, I was taken aback when I could not only hold the weight of a quarter-sized portion of sunscreen in one hand, but still had the stamina to shift the "suntan lotion" around my palm with my thumb. The texture - smooth and creamy as if it were dug up from an underground layer of marshmellow patches and white rabbit carcasses. (I say 'white' rabbit because we all know the coarse nature of a brown or, dear God, 'mixed' or 'spotted' colored bunny's pelt.)
Much like a fine cognac, this lotion has a beautiful bouquet of aged oak, cinnamon, palm trees, ocean spray raspberry fruit juice, and beach sweat. I can only hope they extracted the strong, pungent smell of beach volleyball sweat from the fine actor representing this bottle. To think they would have used the sweat of a lesser man, Dermot Mulroney or Dylan McDermott for instance, would leave me in tears.
In use, this product does what it claims to do... protects you from the harmful UV rays of the sun and prevents you from achieving any semblance of a tan. Rumors that it attracts mythological creatures such as Griffons and the like are probably untrue. I didn't see more than one minotaur since I've been wearing this sunscreen - and I apply it generously to my bodice every day, even if I am staying indoors. And come to think of it, the one minotaur I did see could have been the Schwan's foodservice delivery guy.
I highly recommend this sunscreen to anyone looking to be safe, pale, and sought-after." -Joseph P. Webb

Oh how I love the reviews of this person, I was wondering if we would find out more about the creamy liquid on the inside.  And now we also know the results, smell and effectiveness.  Superb review of the product in my opinion. 

"Will Ferrell introduced this product on the June 9 Jimmy Fallon Show. It's real live suntan lotion. If you can stand the sort of Coppertone baby look of Will, this is a great bottle of suntan lotion.
The proceeds all go to Cancer For College, a charity that supports survivors of cancer that wish to attend college. It's well worth visiting cancerforcollege dot org."  Daniel G. Lebryk 

Perhaps not quite so humor and knowledgeable of a review, but it answers my cancerforcollege question and legitimizes the reality of this product!  So now we know, it IS real!

If you would like to buy your own cancer for college sunscreen go here: Sexy Hot Tan Sunscreen

The Mountain Unicorn Castle T-Shirt
Not to be confused with the awesomeness that is the 3 Wolves Howling at the Moon shirt.  This one takes on a whole other energy!  It comes with a straight forward product description: This is a 100% Cotton T-shirt featuring a unicorn in front of a castle with a rainbow!!  What more do you need to do.  Everything appears to be awesome....  and just when you think that there is nothing awesomer (yes it is a word according to me) than a unicorn and a castle and rainbow on ONE shirt....  just wait until you hear some of the eye-witness accounts of reviewers.

Top Reviews
"I should probably preface this review by stating the obvious: This shirt is clearly meant for people who aren't serious about our one-horned magic friends. I mean, the shirt's fabric construction and lavender color base are terrific, and as a casual-Friday garment, hey, it's better than a stupid Polo shirt. But the devil, as they say, is in the details, so caveat emptor!
First, the grass pictured is quite clearly Italian Ryegrass, and as everyone knows, unicorns prefer to frolic in Dog's Tooth Grass. Second, notice the gray spots on the unicorn's rear flank; are they patterned to look like a fairy? I think not. Third, why is the tip of the unicorn's horn glowing like some defective reindeer's nose??? We all know the horn is pure gold, but if the illustrator was trying to convey this specific coloration, then the whole horn should shine, not just the tip! Fourth, while unicorns transcend space and time, they do NOT exist in a world where it's day AND night simultaneously! A beautiful rainbow AND pretty stars? I mean, who approved this? It's like the shirt's maker is just mocking me...I'll bet he thinks taking Raggedy Ann to one's prom is lame too!!! Fine, shirt guy -- just go ahead and pick me last in dodgeball and tell my parents how I cried in woodshop when the teacher told me to "keep my wood to myself" and I didn't know he was talking about my erection which I couldn't help anyway because I thought about that one episode of The Partridge Family!!!
Anyway, on balance, the shirt's fine for kids and people of lesser unicorn expertise; don't expect too much and you'll be happy with your purchase, just like I was when I bought that ghost costume in Alabama last summer. People really freaked out when I wore that, and it wasn't even Halloween!" -T. Guymon

T Guymon (whom I get the feeling is a man) really schools The Mountain company (maker of this awesome shirt) with his unicorn knowledge.  Obviously The Mountain did not pay attention to detail in a way that they should.  This is quite a helpful review if you are concerned with authenticity and don't want to get made fun of by your friends due to nitpicking.  This could make or break the sale.

"Thank you The Mountain for developing such an amazing product. The first night I wore my Unicorn shirt, I successfully awoke the magic you had woven in to its fibers. Shortly after, I was transported to a higher realm in the etheric, where i met Angel's (my unicorn) family and friends. I have to warn you though, Unicorns behave very similarly to sexually frustrated dolphins. I soon wore out my welcome and returned to my body, feeling very shaky and hungry. I ate an entire bag of nacho cheese doritos. Since then, everything smells like Nacho Cheese Doritos. The Mountain, do you know why this is? Is this some cruel unicorn joke?" -MK
MK gives a great review with a fair warning to possible experiences that can be had just by putting the shirt on.  Other reviews seemed to be more concerned with the fact that this shirt was for woman and that men were trying to take it over to attract woman (which according to several reviewers proved effective).  But not MK, MK just tells it like it is.  Thank you for sharing your experience with us. 

If you would like to experience for yourself you can purchase the unicorn shirt here: Unicorn Castle T-Shirt

Images You Should Not Masturbate To
The title of this book is quite self explanatory.  However, I would like to note that it is available in both paperback and Kindle format.  So you can take it with you wherever you go if you ever need to stifle your libido!  It's description is as follows: Better than a cold shower-and a lot funnier.
Choke the chicken, spank the monkey, charm the snake-however you refer to it, none of the images in this book will encourage you to pleasure yourself. This deceptively simple and strangely addictive book presents a laugh-out-loud collection of random pictures virtually guaranteed to dampen the urge of even the strongest libido.  So there you have it.  Do you really need anything more to be convinced? 

Top Reviews
"I own an extensive collection of pornographical books and videos and I am proud to say it is the only genre I read. Despite what the title says about the book being loaded with images that you shouldn't masturbate to, I bought it anyways to see how the rest of the world lives through reading a single page without the aide of some good old self love. Much to my surprise, I found that this book is actually one of the kinkiest collections of pornography I have ever laid eyes on. Just look at that man on the cover for example. One of my (many) fetishes happens to be naked old men chopping through ice with axes. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the cover of this very book caters to this specific taste. Thank you so much to authors Johnson and Hibbert for this amazing book" -MToons
My mind was literally blown (pun intended?) when I read this review!  How could someone have such sick fetishes as to want to masturbate to a book that is clearly designs to help you not.  Obviously this person is beyond simple self-help books and needs serious counseling.  

"I own an extensive collection of pornographical books and videos and I am proud to say it is the only genre I read. Despite what the title says about the book being loaded with images that you shouldn't masturbate to, I bought it anyways to see how the rest of the world lives through reading a single page without the aide of some good old self love. Much to my surprise, I found that this book is actually one of the kinkiest collections of pornography I have ever laid eyes on. Just look at that man on the cover for example. One of my (many) fetishes happens to be naked old men chopping through ice with axes. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the cover of this very book caters to this specific taste. Thank you so much to authors Johnson and Hibbert for this amazing book." -Alon A. Aloni
Thank you to Alon for informing us that this self-help book for the chronic masturbater can actually also be said to haev the reverse affect on someone with a masturbation problem.  Genius! 

If you have a problem with too much masturbation and would like to start with a self-help book, or if you have a problem with lack of masturbation than this book is for you, buy it here: Images You Should Not Masturbate To

Come Poop With Me (CD & DVD)
Wow, just the title....  and then you see that it is a legitimate product featuring Triumph the Insult Dog.  He had his moments but not sure if I could see the need for a CD & DVD or even one of them....  I mean I know that Pooping can be multifaceted....  but with other people...  is this some sort of sick fetish product?  The product review is as follows: From Late Night With Conan O'Brien to the VMA's on MTV, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog has pooped his way to stardom. Now Triumph debuts on album with Come Poop With Me, a doggie bag of filthy and hilarious new songs, sketches and interviews, featuring Triumph.

 Top Reviews
"Look. You know who Triumph is. Robert Smigel is a comedy genius. He proves it time and time again from his days on Conan O'Brien to his "Saturday TV Funhouse" films on SNL. This is the first salvo in what I expect to be the Smigel Wave Of Comedy Delight for hopefully years to come.
Let's start with the DVD. It is brilliance, defined. This disc is a live performance taped at New York's famed Irving Plaza, and it is insane! Ok, some may not love seeing a brown tinged "roundworm" singing a duet with a puppet dog. But Triumph's greatest triumphs are his interviewing skills, especially with a stuffed shirt like MTVs ancient newscaster Kurt Loder and his tatted up protege, Iann "Robertson" (as the dog insists on calling him). Moments like those are the most hilarious, and make the disc worth the price all by itself! Toss in the interview with the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy, forced to share the stage with the "I lost weight by eating at Subway" guy, and you have some seriously scintillating entertainment!
In a world that's filled with PC commentary, it takes an insult comic dog to refocus our lives on what really matters: the poop.
My only real complaint is that the video for the single, "I Keed" wasn't included here, though the audio version of it is. The CD features the studio versions of many of the bits as seen on the DVD, plus a few others. A bit redundant, maybe, but still just as good!
Don't let the humorless fool you! It's all great and gets a canine out of ten from me!" -Dean Anderson

Well thanks to Dean Anderson for sharing the "Straight Poop" with us and a canine out of ten...  does that equate to less than one? 

"I give my thanks to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog for his songs. My favorite song "I Keed" is really funny. I don't know what else to say! If you don't like the CD, I'll let Triumph POOP ON YOU!!!" -Cherry Berry
Short and simple, and tot he point...  with the title of it being a great CD for them to poop on...  seems a little contradictory to me. 

In case you want to poop with Triumph, be pooped on by Triumph or just want to Poop on the CD you can buy it here: Come Poop With Me

Redneck Rain Gauge
You have to see it to understand the ridiculousness of the product but it is designed to look like a used condom that collects water...  Although I sincerely hope it is unused....  It is described as:Hilarious rain gauge looks like a condom with measurement marks that are printed with sayings like "2 Inches - Just A Little Squirt!" and "3 Inches - Made A Wet Spot!". Now that's funny right there.  Adult humor (and don't worry, it's not a real or used condom). About 7" long and includes clothespin.  Good at least that clears that up AND it comes with a clothespin...  totally worth it!

Top Reviews
"It is small, at least much smaller than the picture makes it seem at first glance, but once you pay attention to the pic it fits. Maybe a little under 5in long. Even comes with the clothes pin pictured.
It probably won't last very long, but it isn't really meant to. The main reason I knocked off a star is because it has a yellow tinge to it. Nothing horrible, but not exactly as pictured. Other than that(besides the photo making it seem bigger) it's what I expected." -G. Davis

I feel like G Davis had overly high expectations and kept talking about it wasn't as big as she expected...  I wonder if they make different types, such as Magnum or XL that would appease her more....

"This is about 3 inches and it is really cheap looking. I got it for a gag gift and it served its purpose though." -Mary_Johnson
Well I feel like this product description must have definitely been written by a man over exaggerating saying it is 7" when we get one woman saying it is only 3 and another one saying just under 5....   Either way, you don't seem to get what you pay for. 

If you still want your condom rain gauge you can purchase it here: Redneck Rain Gauge

In case you have missed the previous and also awesome weird things for sale on amazon they can be found here:

Weird Things For Sale Part 1

Weird Things For Sale Part 2

Weird Things For Sale Part 3

Weird Things For Sale Part 4

Weird Things For Sale Part 5

Weird Things For Sale Part 6

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